Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Looking Back At 2008

Jan
Well it was a good start. Celebrated the dawn of the new year with lover boy and some of my friends. Best 31st night out I have had. I also surprisingly got ok A/L results as a new year gift. Classes started on the first week of Jan itself but things were quite good.

Feb
It was full of fun. Had classes as usual, but it was the month I partied the most. Surprisingly half the parties were house parties. Not forgetting valentines day which I celebrated with lover boy. We made no big deal about it but all the same it was nice.

March
It was a bit of a rush I would say. I think it was because classes got a bit hectic with the exam nearing. Not that I studied much but there was a heavy work load done at classes. The big match was fun as usual. And some of my friends who were studying abroad came down and we went on a trip down south, that I would say was the best thing which happened that month.

April
It was kind of a good bye month. My aunt migrated to Australia and then another whole set of cousins left to the states. Sinhala new year was celebrated as usual. My sis turned 16 and she had quite a good party. I dare say it was better than my 16th party. As you would have observed no studies were done even though it was long due. My cousin came to live in our house since my aunt migrated.

May
It was the exam month. This is the month I should have done nothing but studies. I don't deny the fact that I did study a decent amount during this month, but I also don't deny that since Bestie(1) was in Sri Lanka after about a year I spent quite a bit of my study time with her. But examz were not all that bad really.

June
It was the month I was hardly at home. Examz were over. I had no classes. All my friends who were abroad were here on holiday. Hence I spent half my time with them just playing the fool. And the other half of my time I spent with lover boy since his examz had finished too. With lover boy I went clubbing for the first time, we organized a surprise party for lover boys bestie, even did crazy things like help in an art exhibition, we went for our school dance as well and for the first time I was even with him at Kandy.

July
If not for the fact that lover boy and I decided during this month that it is best to be just friends June would have been the best month of the year. Taking this decision was the most difficult thing I have done in my whole life. but everything happens for the best! Did go on another trip with my friends. This time we went up country. That was the best thing which happened in July.

Aug
Birthday month. Yes during this month I did turn 20 and left my teenager life behind :( I had quite a good birthday though. Bestie(1) and Bestie(2) and lover boy all spent the whole day with me so I guess I couldn't have asked for more. This month I spent most of my time with Bestie(1) because she was leaving to the states at the end of it.

Sep
This month was the calm before the storm I suppose. Results were out. My brother had done exceptionaly well. ( I am quite used to that by now) Surprsingly even I had got through. Classes started again. Bestie(2) was going abroad so I organized a surprise party for her. Made a book for her. Stayed the night at her house one last time before she left. Oh and my cousin who was living with us migrated. Plus half of my time was spent with Mr.Coach, helping out with rowing nationals.

Oct
This was the month of the storm. Lover boy fell in love with another girl. Which left me heart broken. We discovered that my aunt has cancer. One of my grand uncles passed away. So everything which could go wrong happened during this month. The only good thing about this month was that I started working. Not because work was fun in particular but that is where I met cute boy.

Nov
Nothing special really. Went for on stage for the first time and probably the last. Was still suffering from a sever heart brake. Many a nights during this month and the month before I cried myself to sleep. Was clearly not recovered from the storm yet. Only good thing is I had no choice but not cry during day at work!

Dec
Best month of the year. Celebrated christmas in the usual way with so many dinners and parties. Happy all over again. No more sleepless nights. No more crying myself to sleep either. Have learned to be happy with what I have. Have learned that I will always cherish the memories I had with lover boy but he will be my best friend... nothing less nothing more. Oh yeah plus I got fever for the first time for the whole year. Plus my cousins came back from the states.

Friday, 19 December 2008

A Longing

In the morning while she wonders
Out of the window she'd gaze
With a longing in her heart
A longing to see his face

At noon she'll try to clear her mind
Even with all the noise
With a longing in her heart
A longing to hear his voice

In the evening as she sits in a corner
She tries to understand
With a longing in her heart
A longing to hold his hand

In the night as she is sleeping
At the end of another day
She has a longing in her heart
A longing that will never go away

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Another Try

She knows its probably another mistake
She knows its nothing but another heart ache

She tries but she suddenly lose control
She knows there is a fire within her soul

If she some how makes it through today
Will tomorrow end up being the same way

When she stumbles and she falls
Is there any point of getting up at all

Will it all not simply be the same
She is sick of playing this game

Should she just give in and try again
Or will it just bring her even more pain

No matter how much she contemplates
The decision is not up to her to take

Fate has decided and she'll go with the flow
And try again just once more

This time she hopes that its not fake
And pray to god that her heart wont break

Sunday, 14 December 2008

A Glimpse Of Hope

She had a secret place
Which no one else would know
When ever she needed to be alone
That is the place she'll go

It's dark no body can see her
Or hear what ever she says
Alone she would think, cry and laugh
And let her thoughts wonder away

One fine day when she was leaving
She saw him coming in
In this secret place they started talking
And it is where it all did begin

From then on almost everyday
She and he would meet
All alone in their secret place
For hours they would speak

From friends to best of friends
And then to something more
The loved they shared for each other
Day by day did grow

But just as soon as it all started
It was over way too fast
She found it hard to bare
Cause she thought that it would last

She didn't go to their secret place
For months she stayed at home
But to wonder how he is
Her mind did always roam

But one day she made up her mind
And to their secret place she did go
Thats where she saw a glimpse hope
As he walked in through the door

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Shattered

It hurt, still hurts and it'll hurt for ever more
I loved, will always love but I know I have to let go

I fell, I broke and to a million peices I shattered
Peice by peice I put it all back but it doesn't matter

Because with every step I take hurt seeps in through the cracks
And nothing I do will ever make what we had all come back

Since I have lost it all I just want the hurt to stop
Cause it kills and it is painful and I have cried until I've dropped

I want to get away from this mess and start my life again
Where no one knows me or my past and certainly not the pain

A new life, a new place with new people and new friends
Atleast then I could try and see whether the hurt would end

It would be a new begining to make a new life of my own
Atleast for me to try and put the past behind me and move on

Alas, I know its just a dream I have no new life to lead
I have to keep going and face the truth and go through this hurt indeed

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Cute boy wins!!!

This is a continuation of the last post. Those unending questions are still unanswered. But I kind of cleared my mind. At least for now. All I really want right now is to stop hurting. Don't want to go through anymore hurt.

Cute boy is the only one who can stop me from getting hurt. Not that he does any thing specifically, its just that by him being there the hurt seems less. He makes me smile. He distracts my mind. And if there ever were a question whether I really like him, now I know the answer for it. Yes I do like him. But whether I want him to be 'the guy' or not I still don't know. That I guess I'll go with the flow. Take it as it comes.

Well I have come to terms with the fact that I will never get over Lover boy. I will always have a thing for him. But right now every time I think of him, I only keep hurting myself. And as I said earlier I just want to stop hurting. And only cute boy can help me in that aspect. So cute boy wins!!!

But if ever lover boy wants me back then I am faced with one of the most crucial decisions I will have to make in life. But today if I were to make a decision I would chose lover boy. But I am afraid that if I have to make this decision in sometime to come my answer would be different. Because I know I am getting more attached to cute boy with each day that passes. And I am afraid that the decision I will take might be wrong. But I guess as Lover boy says 'let the future decide what the future is'. For now I will enjoy myself. Or at least I will try to.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Lover boy vs Cute boy

Lover boy :

Why does it still hurt?
Why am I not used to the pain still?
Why does the pain get more each day and not less?
Why did this happen to me?
Does he still feel the same?
Does he miss me at all?
Does he want it all back?
Will I ever know the answers?
Do I really want to know the answers?
Why does he always find away to keep me hanging in there and not let go?
Does he know what he is doing to me?
How did he move on so fast?
Has he really moved on?
Will I ever move on?
Do I want to move on?

Cute boy :

Have I already moved on?
Could I move on so fast?
Why do I like him so much?
Why is he on my mind almost all the time?
How come it doesn't feel wrong that I like him?
Do I really like him or am I rebounding?
Do I want him to be 'the guy' or just 'the rebound guy'?
Or is he just another guy?
Do I really want him?
Does it really matter can't I just go with the flow?
Does he like me?
If he does like me what do I do?
Will I ever know whether he likes me?
If he likes me what will he do?
Why do I want to know?

So many unending questions....
And the answers seem so bleak...

Why am I so confusing?!?!

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Miracles Do Happen

He is fair, he is cute, he is always with a smile
As I saw him I knew I'll like him for awhile

He looked friendly, happy cheerful alright
I came home and thought about him all night

Never did I think I'll meet him again
And thinking about him was driving me insane

Couldn't forget his face and I didn't know what to do
But miracles do happen and I know its true

Because I met him again last night at a dinner
As I saw him instatly I felt like a winner

Automatically my mind simply started clicking
And the love clock inside me just started ticking

With a little bit of flirting here and there
I knew I haven't lost touch with my magical flair

Looking back at what happened last night and today
My hard work has finally paid off I could say

I have done my part and now my minds at rest
And I hope things would work out for the best

Friday, 5 December 2008

The Undescribeable

The beauty of friendship
Is one of those things
Which is so hard to explain
Especially the joy that it brings

The sharing and the caring
And the love you share
To know that there will be someone
Who always will be there

Value of love is another
Where explaining wouldn't do
No matter how hard you try
That you can not do

To understand its value
You have to love another
Or else you have to be loved
Truely by another

The magic of charm is also
Something you can not explain
Charm can do you wonders
It can also give you pain

Charm is definitely magical
If you know what I mean
If you have seen a charm of a person
To a magical land you have been

Even for the power of attraction
Words do not suffice
No one can explain the power of attraction
Not even the wise

Sometimes we can not find the reason
And we just don't know how
We do get so attracted to things or people
That we can not let go now

The best of memories are also
The ones you can't explain
The ones you just should have been there
To know the fun or even the pain

If you look back at the best of memories
And try explaining it to another
Then you will understand what I mean
And why you shouldn't bother

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

The Silent Observer Presents...

Well yeah I have been quite the silent observer with these people for over 2 months now. Surprising I know because I am hardly ever silent usually let alone being observant. But that is what I was with these people. And this is what I observed.

Here goes...

The Boss (TB) - Well as the name suggest he is the boss. But he is very busy and hardly at his desk. Very responsible. Very well respected. Very successful. But is not aware of inside happenings. You know he kind of reminds me of an English judge. They come from the upper classes and is not aware of the usual happenings in an ordinary citizen, but is the decision maker in the end. And they are well respected too. So yeah in my opinion he is very similar to an English judge.

Junior Boss (JB) - He unlike TB is aware of the inside happenings but does not get involved. I guess he believes that staying away is the best option. But you can be rest assured that he will be watching you. Other than that characteristics of TB and him are the same. Except for the fact that he would be at his desk more often than TB.

Model Mom (MM) - She is a very responsible person. Hardly anyone Could find fault with her work. Very hardworking. Best thing about her is she does not stress too much on work. When she leaves office she leaves all her problems of work behind. I love that quality of her. All in all she is a nice person.

Miss Sweet (MS) - She is a really nice person. Very friendly. Even more hardworking. Responsible. Sensitive. But is strong in some aspects. Does stress over what happens at work even at home. Has the 'help ever hurt never' attitude. Very nice person.

Mr. Don't Care (DC) - He is not at all responsible. Not hardworking. I guess he is a typical product of the 21st century. He just does not care about consequences. Not at all a harmful person but is so not a good co- worker. Don't like his personality at all. But I don't mind him as a person.

Mr. Diplomatic - Well the name was not put because I think he is diplomatic. It is simply because we had a discussion about being diplomatic. And I couldn't find another name. Well he is responsible. And I quite like his personality. And I think that he and I are the only people who think in the same wave length. He is a real nice person.

Cute Boy- Well he is obviously cute. Hence the name. He is harworking. keen. Very responsible. I like his personality too. I think his cuteness influences that a bit too much. But he is anyway a nice person. He is you know the playful type. But unfortunately we don't think in the same wave length. Or so I think, who knows what the future will tell ;)

The witch- She is by far the most ineresting person there. She is as wicked as a witch. She is also very misterious just like a witch. You never know what she is thinking. She also has this ability to get people to do what she wants. I am sure she casts a secret spell on them!



The others I have not observed enough. Maybe some other time I shall tell about them...

Monday, 1 December 2008

The wrong road

Long ago I made a mistake
While wondering which road I should take

I chose the wrong road I would say
Knowing that it is wrong in a way

I was just a kid playing around
Trying to have fun with everything I found

Little did I know that it would be
The biggest ever disaster for me

We all make mistakes everybody knows
But some mistakes always shows

This is one such mistake I should say
Which came to my life and never went away

To date every now and again
I go through a little bit of pain

Because of a long ago mistake I made
And I know that it would never fade

Its been three years yet it haunts my mind
The reason for it I can not find

With every turn I take I meet this road
But I avoid it in every possible mode

But I know its a matter of time I break down
And take the wrong road another time round

To the heavens above I beg and tell
To keep me away from that road to hell

Friday, 28 November 2008

He Is Just Another Guy

She sits alone in a corner... She thinks of all sorts of things... She just lets her mind wonder.. And then she thinks of HIM.. No matter how much she tries to avoid thinking about him she finds that so hard to do... She does not know why she keeps thinking of him.

She has seen his type before. He is just another guy who finds her attractive. But of course there is that squeaky annoying voice in her head which likes to remind her that he is NOT just another guy who likes her... He is a cute guy. She does not even try denying that because it is useless. She knows that it is his cuteness that she noticed first even before she noticed the fact that he likes her. That squeaky annoying voice in her head also reminds her that not only is he cute but he is also a nice guy. And everybody knows how hard it is to find a nice guy these days. But this she keeps denying. She keeps telling her self that she does not know him that well to say he is a nice guy. She also keeps telling herself that there are lots of nice guys out there anyway!

Then she stops. Why does she do this? Why does she even bother denying things? So what if she has a crush on him? What is the harm? She has had plenty of crushes before. And on the most weirdest people at that! But she never denied it. Then she realizes why she is denying. She is afraid she will fall for him. You know something 'more' than just a crush. She knows that he likes her. His feelings show and he does not mind it. And she is afraid her feelings would show too. It is not the fact that he will get to know her feelings she is worried about. She does not mind flirting with him at all. In fact she likes it. But she just does not want to get into a relationship. Not right now at least and not with him. Being just friends and staying as they are now seem good enough. And that is what she is afraid of. Ruining what they already have. And if he does ask her out she would say no and it would ruin everything. And if her feelings wont show he would not ask her out.

So as she stands up and walks away... She has somehow managed to convince herself that she does not like him. HE IS JUST ANOTHER GUY! Or at least that is what she will tell herself.... until she sits alone in a corner again.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Eternity

Is love then so simple dear
As the opening of a door
And seeing all things clear
I did not know before

I had thought it just desire
Soaring only to fall
Annihilation and fire
It is not so at all

I feel no desperate will
But I think I understand
Many things as I sit quite still
With eternity in my hand

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Now He Doesn't Know What He is Missing

When I am with him, I keep looking at him
Each and every day
And sometimes, just sometimes
I catch him look my way

When I am with him the whole day
I am unnoticed for awhile
And once or twice, just once or twice
He and I would smile

His friends are my friends too
So often we would meet
But on and off, just on and off
He and I would speak

It is just the same everyday
There is never a spark in his eye
But once in awhile, just once in a while
He'll say 'hello' or 'good bye'

Sometimes I think I heard him whisper
But yet he has made no sound
Oh how I long, how so I long
To turn every thing around

To tell him I like to speak with him
Or to meet him more and more
How I wish, just how I wish
To let my feelings show

But just as I made up my mind
A girl with him he brings
She is fine, She is just so fine
So I keep my feelings within

And he wouldn't know what he is missing
Cause his never had me before
Only a sign, just a sign
That said I want him more

Friday, 7 November 2008

At that time of the day

It's at that time of the day
When the sun is about to go down
She sits alone in a corner
And let her thoughts unwound

It's at that time of the day
When she feels she's all alone
That she starts to wonder
Where could she have gone wrong?

She knows that all hope is gone
And she's got to simply move along
But at that time of the day
It's only for him she longs

It's at that time of the day
She wonders how he is
Does he know what she is feeling
This emptiness that's within

Does she even cross his mind
When he is all she is thinking of
She goes back in time to the past
And the memories come flooding out

And at that time of the day
Another tear she sheds
Like the billions she shed before
Wondering when will the misery end

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Confused

I feel it all closing in around me
But everything is just a blur
I am standing here and waiting
But what I am waiting for I am not sure

Both my eyes are so wide open
But I find it hard to see
But in my mind I see it very clearly
Even though it's not what might be

Everyone seems to be moving
But I am standing here quite still
They seem to think I should move with them
But I just don't have the will

They are all searching for the same thing
Even they don't know what for
Where I've been I don't remember
But I know I haven't gone far

Everything seems to be spinning
And I am blinded by a light
Slowly I seem to be falling
And then again everything is alright

My eyes are hurting by keeping it opened
Yet there is nothing I can see
I am tired, confused and broken
Is this what life's suppose to be?

Monday, 3 November 2008

You Just Don't See Me

To share your joy
To share your victories
I've always been there
Through all your glories

When you were sad and upset
And you were feeling low
I've always been there
And the hope I'd show

When you were hurt and empty
And you were feeling alone
I've always been there
To help you move on

When you were angry
And you threw a fit
I've always been there
To not let you quit

When ever you did wrong
And messed things up
I've always been there
To clean your mess up

But when you want someone
To love and care
You just don't see me
Even though I'm right there!

Saturday, 1 November 2008

The Pretence

In my head my thoughts are screaming out loud
But I'm just whispering cute things in your ear
Inside me I feel empty, alone and left out
But with you I am smiling and full of cheer

In my soul I feel the anger building up
But I'm just saying I'll love you for ever
In my heart hatred has filled to the top
But I'm saying I'll let go of you never

I want to stab you and watch you bleed
As I intoxicate you with my love
I want to see you in pain and hear you scream
As I'm kissing you like I'm sent from above

Inside me I hate you, hurt you and hit you
But I'm taking you to a heavenly bliss
Inside me I want to never get to see you
But I wont, because the pretence I'll miss

Friday, 31 October 2008

From Every Mistake You Learn

You learn to be stronger
You learn to hold it in
You learn to wait longer
You learn not to give in

You learn to turn a blind eye
You learn to be alone
You learn to cry from the inside
You learn to never moan

You learn that there is no helping hand
You learn that you have only you
You learn to stay sane but yet go mad
You learn to guide yourself through

You learn not to fall apart
You learn to pull yourself together
You learn that people break your heart
You learn that nothing is for ever

You learn to smile when you want to cry
You learn to react with class
You learn to hold your head up high
You learn to let things pass

You learn to love like you've never been hurt
You learn to never give up
You learn to be treated like dirt
You learn to fall and yet get up

You learn to forget and forgive
You learn to carry on
You learn to live and let live
You learn to let go of 'by gones'

You learn to fight back tears
You learn that the past can't die
You learn how to shed silent tears
You learn not to be shy

You learn to expect the unexpected
You learn to control your temper
You learn it's hard to be respected
You learn that you always wont get pampered

You learn to smile at strangers
You learn to keep holding on
You learn to accept changes
You learn that night comes before every dawn

You learn that you keep learning
You learn that not everyone is a friend
You learn to shiver when your burning
You learn that happy endings never end

You learn to accept what is true
You learn to stop questioning why
You learn to do what you have to do
Mostly you learn to say good bye

In Between Sobs!

A certain incident took place yesterday which made me feel very alone, hurt and upset. This left me crying my heart out till very late last night or rather till early this morning.

So in between sobs I started to wonder which of my friends could make me feel better at this moment. To my surprise the more I thought the more I realised that none of my friends could have made me feel better. After having so many friends and quite a few really good friends and two bestest of friends it was really surprising to realise that none of them could have made me feel better when I really needed them to.

Then in between sobs I thought whether there was anyone at all who could have made me feel better. Then I realised that the only two people who could have really made me feel better was my mother and loverboy! So in between sobs I strarted to wonder as to what could be the reason for this. And it is then that I realised that it is because my mother and loverboy are the only two people who really understand me hundred percent..

Loverboy would be the only one who would know exactly what to say to make me feel better and make me fall asleep. My mother might not have excatly said what I wanted to hear but instead she would have said what I needed to hear and hugged me while I cried and slept beside me that night. I did call loverboy last night but his phone was on silent and he was asleep so he didn't answer. And more than twice I got out of bed to go to my mother's room to talk to her but something stopped me. So I had to fight it out all alone last night till I finally fell asleep. (at about 3 a.m.)

You might be wondering why I explained this incident. It is because it was just before falling alseep last night that I realised even though my mother and loverboy really understand me, how much I take that for granted. I realised that I don't appreciate their understanding the way I should. And many a times I have taken them for granted because they are so understanding.

Well ammi and loverboy this is my way of telling I love you too, I do care for you and I do appreciate all that you do for me.

Ammi - thank you so much for being such a wonderful mother and being so understanding even after I have thrown fits and got into tantraums. I do realise that a mothers love can never be replaced and especially not yours. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done. But I promise to grow up to be a person you want me to be. Love you truck loads! Thank you again for everything.

Loverboy - thank you so much for tollarating me for so long in your life. (2 years with me is like 10 years with someone else) Thank you for being there for me when ever I needed you! Sorry for all the times I have hurt you. And especially thank you for being so understanding. Miss you loads but love you more!

P.S. - People never take anything for granted.
And for those who are concerned I am ok now! :)

Magic!!!

It is magic when we watch the sunset together
It is magic when we whisper to each other

When we walk in the rain and we are holding hands
And even roses take me to a magical land

Going for a long walk down the beach at midnight
And your hugs are simply magical all right!

It is magic when we write poetry for each other
And buy random gifts of chocolate, candy and flowers

When you put love notes in my pockets when Im not looking
The magic clock inside me simply starts ticking

When we are dancing together and when I look into your eyes
When we sing for each other the magic I cant deny

When you hold me around my hips and when we kiss
The feeling I get is just a magical bliss

Magic is when you let me fall asleep with my head in your lap
And listen intently even when I talk crap

To say sweet things in foreign languages when you learn
And when you kiss my forehead the magic does burn

Magic is when we fall asleep on the phone with each other
Magic is when we walk around and hang out together

When I go to sleep with one of your t-shirts on
The magic lasts the whole night long

When you kiss me in the pouring rain and when you touch my hair
I swear I can feel the magic in the air

When you hold my hand when you're around your friends
And you tell I look beautiful I know the magic never ends

When you let me mess with your hair I know the magic it true
Especially when you let me take all the photos I want of you

When I start swearing at you and then you tell you love me
I feel all the magic surround me

When you get me mad and then you kiss me
All the magic in the world I start to see

No One Can

Everyone can share the smile on my lips
But no one can wipe the tears from my eyes
Everyone can see the happiness on my face
But no one can see the sorrows inside

Everyone can see me having fun all the time
But no one can see me cry
Everyone can see me acting weird sometimes
But no one can find the reason why

Everyone can hear the songs I sing
But no one can hear my painful cries
Everyone can see the shine in my eyes
But no one can see the dismay of my sighs

Everyone can hear all the words I say
But no one can sense what I dont
Everyone can see the softness on my face
But no one can see the bruises in my soul

Everyone can hear the laughter in my words
But no one can sense the pain in my voice
Everyone can only see what I let them see
But why cant anyone guess what I hide

Where did we go wrong?!?!

All those times
We were together
Like we will live for ever
You loved me
And I loved you
You were always there
When I needed you the most
Like a real true friend!
You told me your problems
And I told you
We laughed together
And cried too
You always took my side
You were always there for me
And you gave me advice,
If you looked into my eyes
You would have seen
How much you mean to me
Our friendship was strong
That it never broke
But now.....
Everything has changed
All the things
We said and did
Is only a sweet memory
That lingers with me
I still wonder whose fault it was
Was it your or was it mine?
But it doesn't matter now
We are in our own worlds
Like strangers to each other
Im not mad at you
I can't...
Because its not you fault
Or mine!
You have changed a lot
Or have I?
But your still the one
Who I always think about
Now you have new friends
And so do I
But there is something
I want you to know
You will always be my BEST FRIEND
No matter what!!!