Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I want....

* I want to be happy
* I want him
* I want him to want me
* I want everything to be ok between him and me
* I want him to be happy
* I want to be able to trust him
* I want him to trust me
* I want to start studying... ( ok that's lie - it's only a need!)
* I want to pass my examz!
* I want santa to give me what I asked him for xmas!!!
* I want to laugh real hard
* I want to go crazy with my friends
* I want my BFF's to come back to SL
* I want to hug my bestie and cry really hard
* I want him to know all the things I am not telling him
* I want to relive some moments which mean a damn lot
* I want to live life so that I might want to relive it later
* I want to smile till my mouth hurts!
* I want to scream and sing with my sister's or friends
* I want to do all the weird things only me and my sisters do
* I want xmas to be like anyother xams ( full of fun and crazyness)
* I want to dance in the rain
* I want to party hard
* I want to scream and run round and jump up and down like an idiot
* I want to go insain!
* I want to go for a walk on my own
* I want to watch the sun set at the beach
* I want to meet him, hug him real hard, kiss him passionately and let him know exactly how I feel
* I want to live in certain moment of times
* I want to go to the beach, lie on my stomach in a corner and observe everone else... then think real hard as to what exactly I really want.. then have a sea bath play the fool.. forget baout everthing I thought and come home!!!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

2009 - Things changed so fast!!!

Jan : Everything was quite the usual. Days were hectic. Work was fun. Lectures were long and boring. Studies was hardly done. Friends were too busy to play the fool.

Feb : Convocation!!! Was so proud of Aiya getting a world prize. Partied a lot. Work was as usual. Books were not touched.

March : Broke up!!! (after 2 and a half years of being together) Was heart broken. Cried myself to sleep every night. Tried studying but didn't work. My friends tried really hard to distract me but didn't work. Went to work as usual, socialised as usual but nothing was normal!

April : Stopped work. Went into depression. Studied. Cried a lot. Wrote a lot. And studied even more. (studying is something I never have done before)

May : Examz!!! Stressed out. Freaked out. Cried. Studied. Almost died! BUt somehow did the examz..

June : Was back to being happy. Went on trips. Partied. Met up with friends. Started working again. My besties came home for summer!! Yes I was happy once again!

July : My best friend (who happens to be my ex - we had to break up because of unavoidable circumstances so we remained best of friends) was leaving to Aussie. Spent every moment possible with him. And after he left was upset and missed him a lot. But was with my other besties who were back for summer, so still went out a lot.

August : I turned 21!!! Had an awesome party. Loved it. In any case I partied with my friends a lot. Met this guy who kind of caught my eye. Flirted. Stopped work towards the last week. Got results. I passed my examz!!

September : Friends left back to uni abroad. Started lectures again. Started working in a new place. Kept on flirting.

October : Started falling for that boy. Started going out with him. Work was as usual. Lectures got a bit more hectic.

November : Work was boring. Studies were getting tough but didn't do anything about it. Falling in love more and more.

December : Mood swings!!! Friends are back on holiday. A lot of outings, trips and parties. The usual christmas celebrations. Stopping work this coming friday! (hoping to study for my finals from Jan)

Yes a lot did change this year!!! - I hope it's for the better!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

=( =S Should I??

I need to be alone. I need to run away. Somewhere far far away. where no one knows me. I need to cry for hours. I have to be alone! Instead I am stuck at stupid work!!!

Nothing will be the same again. I can feel it. I need my friends. But do I open up to them? Tell them everything? Even if I do there is nothing they can do about it. So maybe I should just keep it all inside.

But I have to let it go. Some way or the other. I need to take a long walk on my own. Reminisce everything. Cry as much as I want. Till my eyes start burning and my head starts to hurt. Then go back home and cry all night and hopefully fall asleep for about an hour before dawn.

Yes there is no other way. I have to cry it out.

Of course many of my friends drink at times like this. It goes against my principals. But desparate times calls for desparate messures right? I don't see the harm in trying it. It would be just one night. My friends do it all the time. Especially at times like these. They do it for the fun of it also. Why can't I right?

I have been through many a hard times and some how coped with them by just crying. It took sometime for me to figure out what made me want to turn to drinks. It is because all other times everyone around me knew why I was upset. I spoke to all my friends about it. Cried with everyone. This time I can't do that. I have no one to talk to. Crying alone is hard to do with out people noticing.

I really badly need to get high. Everyone is ever willing to get me high. So why not give in this once. Just once can't be so bad can it?

But if I go against my principals will I be able to put it behind me??

I.want.to.be.happy.again.

Is that alot to ask for?

Monday, 7 December 2009

Dear Me

Dear 11 year old Me,

I know this is a little hard to grasp but I am you, only 10 years older. I wish I got this letter when I was your age so I am sending it to you.

  • No you don't know everything. You don't even know a lot. What you know is almost nothing. But you will learn.
  • Don't be stupid, please wear sunscreen... Getting dark is not cool!
  • Enjoy every moment you get to spend with your best friends. It wont always be this way. In time to come you'll get what I mean.
  • Don't bother looking at boys for the next five years. None of those boys are worth your attention.
  • Not everyone around you is your friend. But you will fall in trouble and only then will you know who your true friends are.
  • Take crazy pictures in outrageous poses. Don't worry about cleavage, there is still no facebook.
  • Don't curse going to school. Just enjoy it as much as possible. It's true - school days are the best days of your life.
  • Laugh as much as you can. It only gets harder to do so the older you get.
  • Listen to your mother, no matter how absurd she sounds. She does have the ability to predict the future.
  • They might tell you otherwise, but don't worry about your studies up until you leave school. You'll do just fine.
  • Love your family. They are the best you could ever ask for.
  • Wear what ever you feel like. That body is yours to flaunt. You get fat sooner than you think :P
  • His name is ________. You'll know him when you meet him. Marry him if you like or break his heart of you don't. Either way make sure he doesn't forget. Because you never will.
  • You are stubborn and you will never listen to others. But at least learn from your own mistakes.
  • Control your temper from now on. You might save yourself from getting into a lot of shit.
  • It's not that you can't. You can. You just have to try. Stop being so pessimistic.
  • You perform best under pressure. The more stressed you feel the better the result will be.
  • It's okay not to have an ambition. Things do fall into place later on. And something will direct you in the right direction.
  • Independence is great, freedom is even better but dependence is easier. So enjoy while you can.
  • Anything is possible. Believe in miracles but don't depend on them.
  • Don't let anyone stop you from doing all the crazy and weird things you want to do. Just do them anyway. That's what makes you - you!
  • Just follow your heart. Your head tends to thinks too much sometimes.
  • It really doesn't matter who you start off with but who you end up with does!
  • Never ever doubt this. YOU ARE AWESOME.

Knowing you, you might not listen to any of this. Don't worry I am proud of who you are. But I only wish I was there to give you a slap when you let xxxxxx get away with what he did!

Good Luck!!!
Love
Me!

WOOT :D

So I was wrong. And I have never been this happy to know that I was wrong! The relief that ran through my body to hear he behaved. How happy I felt. How at ease I felt. It felt like finally my heart strated pumping blood. I suppose he really does love me. I know this is going all on the fact that he is being honest with me. But I will have to give him the benifit of the doubt wouldn't I? After all I do believe that he loves me. For the first time I belive that this might really work out. It feels so good to be able to trust him again. =)

Woot!!! =D

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Never before....

Never before have I loved someone who I couldn't trust. Never before have I stayed up all night wondering what he is upto. Never before have I been so insecure!!! Never before have I been so worried, scared and confused. Never before have I wanted so badly to scream or cry and at the same time hope that I wont have to. Never before have I felt my heart being so heavy. Never before have I felt that I might end up getting hurt real bad. Never before have I been so unsure. Never before have I wanted dialog to have better signal. Never before have I wanted to get through to him this bad. Never before have I wanted someone to talk to me instead of enjoy a party. Never before have I doubted the one I love this much. Never before have I wanted him to call me this badly. Never before have I been this restless. Never before have I not been able to fall asleep. Never before have I felt that there is something inside me which is about to explode. Never before have I felt that I am about to fall into peices. Never before have I wanted a re-assurance that everything will be fine. Never before have I wanted to hear him say he loves me this bad. Never before have I missed him so much. Never before have I felt so helpless. Never before have I felt this way.

And...
I.don't.like.this.one.bit.

And...
There is nothing I can do about it. =( Even if there is I just don't know what to do. =S

Friday, 4 December 2009

I hope it makes sense to you...

Dear Jay,

On the first day I met you who would have thought that I will end up writing a letter to you simply because I am bored and I miss you so. But then again who would have thought I will fall in love with you either.

People say you can never be sure whether you have fallen in love or not. But I without any doubt know that I am in love with you. This is because I am really myself with you. I am not at all self conscious or embaressed in front of you. I can do the most craziest things and tell my darkest secrets and yet know that you still like me for exactly who I am. It's something like being bestest friends but even more special. I can stay awake all night talking to you or thinking of you and still go to work the next day feeling more rested than I have ever felt before. And every time I am with you I feel like I need to hold onto somwthing really tight before I get blown away. And every time I look into your eyes I feel like I have reached the unreachable. I know this sounds really crazy but I know you complete me. When you are not around I might have fun but deep down I know I am not living but merely existing. You are the only one who can make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time Jay. I know it makes no sense to anyone, not even to my bestest friends. But it's perfectly clear to me that I am meant to be with you. Yes Jay, I am in love with you!

That being said I also have to say I am sorry Jay for not loving you the way you want me to. And I am sorry that I am not even close to being the perfect girl friend you wish I was. But Jay, just because I don't love you the way you want me to doesn't mean that I don't love you with all I have. Every time I see you smile, every time I hold your hand and every step I take with you by my side makes me fall in love with you a little bit more.

You ask me Jay how can I be so sure that I don't like someone else who I might find good looking? Because Jay, even though I might notice their looks, everytime I see them I don't get this big urge to go rushing up to them and hug them and wasting all my energy trying to control my urges, like I do when I see you. I don't think about them when I am alone and smile to myself remebering them like I do about you. I could go on for ever Jay, but I think you get the picture. They just look good and you bubz, I love!

I know you think I flirt with others Jay. But I don't. I might talk or chat with some people on and off but trust me babes I know my limits. I don't want to flirt with others and I don't like flirting with anyone but you. You have no idea bubz how I wish I could show you off to the rest of the world and say "yeah.. that's my guy!" How I wish I could tell everyone how much I love you and how you make me feel. Only thing holding me back are your two sisters. Yesterday I quite loved it whe Maryam dared me to put it up on facebook. It was something I wanted to do anyway. And that's the only reason why it has not been removed yet!

You don't know how hurt I was bubz when you told me what happened on your birthday. Darling I was so happy to be able to even see you on your birthday and be at your party. And from the time I saw you I wanted to hug you, give a brithday kiss and dance with you and what not. I knew you wanted them too. But darling it was for the betterment of you, me and our relationship that I held myself back. The only reason I sort of avoided you that night was because I didn't trust my self to control my feelings when I am around you. But I trusted you darling. I wanted you to have a nice time and I was content just seeing you smile. I saw you with girls darling and knew they wanted you, but I trusted you babes. I trusted you so much that I didn't even look to see what you were doing. I hate being a possesive girl friend darling so I just did what I would expect you to do - trust you.

But that night when you told me what happened you broke my heart in many different ways bubz. First of all you broke my trust darling. Then you spoke as if what happened was no big deal. Then you gave excuses saying you didn't initiate. Then you said looking at what I do that it's justifiable!!! That night my heart shattered to a million peices. I finally managed to put those peices back together and mastered enough courage to forgive you. One thing you should realise love is that noone has ever broken my heart before. So this is all new to me. You of all people should understand how much it hurts. My heart is now back in one peice but it is full of cracks. Every little thing you do or say can easily break my heart now.

I know that things might never be the same again. But that doesn't mean I love you any less than I did. With each growing day I still keep loving you even more. I love to see you happy, I love to make you smile and above all I love the fact that you are mine. But darling if I am not enough for you or, you want other women or, for what ever reason you can't be true to me then please just let me go. Don't keep hurting me.

But I don't want that. I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I wish you loved me the way I love you. I wish you help me make every second I spend with you a memory I will smile about and one I will never forget. Remember Jay, I love you with my whole heart and probably always will.

Missing you!!!
Lots of love
and magic hugs

Tash :)

Monday, 23 November 2009

I silently yearn for you!

You are one amazing person
But has anyone ever told you so?
I doubt very much they have
Because not everyone would know

What it takes to sit and watch
The world just passing by
With many a thoughts inside you
And no one really wonders why

But I find it very attractive
How you can sit and wait
While evryone else is rushing about
As if they are all late

Do you silently sit and observe
Every bodies moves?
Or do you observe just a person or two
If so how do you choose?

Or is it that your simply lost in thought
And not really aware
Of the happenings all around you
And in reality you aren't there

Do you notice things we don't
Or simply analise what we see
It makes you so silent and still
And it really amazes me

I want to sit beside you
And look at what you see
I wont disturb you or anything
I will just let you be

As I sit beside you silently
And watch the world go by
My thoughts would be full of you
And I will still wonder why

I want to get lost in your thoughts
I want to read every word on your mind
I want to know what you think of me
I want to make you mine!

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

A Walk To Remember!

Have you ever decided to take a walk never knowing where you are headed? Or not knowing how long or short your walk would be? But the only thing you really knew is that both wont be walking to the same place. You knew that there would come a time where you will have to turn right and watch the other turn left and still keep walking even though you will terribly miss the compay of the other!

But you never realised that this walk could get tiring and that you might have to take a break for awhile before you continue walking. You also never realised that the road you are walking on wont always be a wide road where you would happily walk with your arms wide open or sing and dance and play the fool while walking, it could be so narrow that the things on either side of the road can scrape you or cut you. Sometimes it can keep scars that will last for ever. And when the road gets too narrow there will come a time when you have to walk one behind the other and hope that the one ahead wont wonder off too far or that the one at the back wont lag behind. Plus it never occured to you that the road could be real steep which might be a reason for you to stumble and fall and hurt yourself. Sometimes it will be justa small wound. But sometimes you fall real hard that leaves you bleeding for ever.

So what do you do when you do fall? Do you lie there on the floor bruised, battered and broken and allow yourself to drown in self pity? Or do you lie there for awhile and take a good hard look at yourself and realise all the wrong turns you took on your walk and also smile about all the right turns you took. You make yourself remember all the things you made yourself forget about on your way there. You laugh out loud remebering something silly you said or did with your friend which makes everyone at work look up at you with weird looks. You go for a movie with a few good old freinds. You read a book which totally draws you in. You dress up, go out and hear others compliment you. You sorround you self with friends who love you - flaws, drama, self pity, crap and all, and let them make you laugh.

And then somewhere down the line you realise the road you were walking on is not so steep after all. And then you find that somewhere in that pathetic loser you thought yourself to be there is courage enough for you to stand up again. And that you are strong enough to finish the walk you once started. And after taking the first few steps again you begin tentatively to hope.

You are bruised, broken and limping.
But you are walking!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Just a phase!

I thought that there was nothing worng
And that everything was fine
I even looked at myself in the mirror
And managed to force smile

But then I saw your picture
And I looked at it agian
I took the frame into my hand
And took a walk down memory lane

It was then that I realized
How much I've really missed
How good things used to be
All the things we said and did

How much I missed hearing your voice
Or just the simple touch of your hands
All the things we used to dream about
Which carried me to fairy land

And then I remembered what went wrong
What made us so far apart
All the pain I went through
The day you broke my heart

But I couldnt help but imagine
How things could have been
All the things we could have done
And all the things we could have seen

Would you still be able to make me smile
The way you did before
Would I have still made you happy
Could we still capture the show

While wiping away my tears
I put the picture in its place
And told myself I am fine
This is just a phase

Monday, 9 November 2009

So what now?

So he thinks I am cute. So he kind of likes me. So he flirts. So I think he is cute. So I do like him. So I flirt. So he is my brothers' friend. So we don't take it any further. So he goes out with another girl. So we talk less. So he breaks up with that girl. So we talk more. So we flirt more. So he is still my brohers' friend. So we still don't take things any further. So he goes out with a totally different girl. So we talk less. So he breaks up with her. So we talk more. So the cycle goes on!

So how long more do we play this game? So do I keep playing it? So is there anything wrong if we keep playing this? So what if he feels I will always be there? So is there anything wrong with that? So why do I feel I should stop it? So what if he feels I wont always be there would he take things further? So is that why I want to stop? So what if he feels I wont always be there would he just stop talking altogether? So do I want to take that risk? So since I don't I'll keep playing the game.

So what now???

We the 13 cousins wrote!

Seeya on your birthday

There is something we’d like to say

About all the things you do everyday

That makes you special in everyway


The crisp Rs 100 notes you give

That mark each year; how long we’ve lived

And you never miss a chance to show

What a dancing star you were before


“Enid Blythe caught a fly”

And in deed the flies do fry

In that mozzie zapper that you bought

That has no mercy of any sought


Rise and shine early morn

Round the lake you take a walk

Socks worn high and shirt tucked in

A classic sight to us you bring


The mini zoo you have at home

Wont match any in France or Rome

The countless show dogs that you’ve bred

All of whom have now dropped dead


Although you say its for your ills

We know you like to “pop your pills”

Your simply unique joking skills

Which secretly give Archchie thrills


When we walk into the house & pass the dinning place

We can’t miss that mini bar that stares us in the face

Drinks of all sorts; some soft made swift

Mixed with orange and apple twist


Every Sunday the round table you lay

To keep the adults far away

While we get the chance to play

And wreck your room in every way


In every way you are refined

Specially when you are dressed to dine

In coat and tie; Oh so fine

That makes ‘em ladies pass a line


Your in for parting twenty four seven

But note; Only good boys go to heaven

R.I.P the King of Pop

But long live our King of choc


We cherish the stories you relate

Of your pass adventures great

The funny acts you demonstrate

Have us laughing at a rate


In your pocket that laugh you hide

And bring it back to make us smile

You always go that extra mile

To make our lives worth the while


Thirteen stranzas with four lines

Are not enough to speak our minds

Cause everything you do is done with love

For family, friends and God above.

Monday, 12 October 2009

Dear Simba

There is something I have been wanting to tell you for sometime now. But I never really got around telling it because I never really thought it was the right time. But now I realise the right time will never come. It was really never meant to be said.

But then why do I write?

It is because even though I know it should never be told I still want you to know. I want you to know that I care for you far more than I should, I trust you with my life and I have always been honest with you. I know that you are a really nice person and I like you a hell of a lot. I can infact tell that I do love you despite my efforts of trying not to or denying it to myself.

But now time has come to let go and try and move on. Not easy I understand, but sooner or later we will have to open our eyes to reality. Things will never be the way we want it to be. We can't keep living in our own little worlds we will have to face facts. And in doing so if we have to part our ways or even if we don't I just want you to know.. I love you! Despite what the world at large has to tell about us and no matter how wrong it seems when I am standing by your side it just feels right. I might never get a chance to hug you again, but the few times you held me in your arms I did pay a visit to heaven.

What I shared with you may not be anything much but I am thankful for all those little moments. The moments of belonging, moments of loving, moments in heaven, moments of bliss, moments of happiness and all other moments that made everything so special will never be forgotten come what may. And I want you to know that these moments of you and I means such a lot to me, even more than it should.

I also wanted to tell you go ahead live life. Enjoy every bit of it but please don't go the wrong way. You can be the best boy ever only if you try. So I hope you try and be nothing less than the best. Someday if you remain in the right track you will make me smile and most of all you'll make me proud. Play the fool as much as you want but don't forget that studies is your priority.

I have faith in you. I believe in you and I believe that someday you'll make me proud! Last of all I want you to know that if you and I are meant to happen it will, if it doesn't then it was never meant to happen and that is because you are bound to meet your "The One" later on.

Hope you never forget me.
Much love.
Naala

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Fast so fast.. Too short to last!

I really need to get a grip. Hold on to something real tight. The worlds spinning way too fast these days. I know the world has always been spinning but never this fast! I'm afraid I'll get thrown off. Yes everything is moving so fast. But some how or rather no one else seems to have noticed it. Everyone else also has increesed their pace. But I don't know why I can't keep up. So many things happening at the same time. And I have to hold on to something.

I look around. There is nothing strong enough which I can cling on to. And then I see you. Out of sheer desparation and the little bit of hope left in me I hold you. Not too tight to scare you off and not too loose where I could easily slip away. Just enough to keep moving with others. Not to get left behind.

But I wonder whether you know it. Do you know what you do to me. How much I need you to just keep up with the rest of the world.......

Why is everything happening so fast? Because of that I know everything will be tooo short to last! Life sucks...

Monday, 31 August 2009

I am...

I am me. That is all I can be.

I live. Sometimes I just exist. I survive. Sometimes I struggle.

I laugh. I cry. Sometimes I wish I could die.

I touch. Sometimes I feel. I hear. Sometimes I listen. I learn. Sometimes I absorb.

I see. Sometimes I look. I think. I understand. I talk. Sometimes I stay silent.

I smile. I tear. Sometimes I do both together.

Sometimes I give up and drop. Sometimes I am overdriven and I can’t stop.

Sometimes I rebel. Sometimes I revel. Sometimes I mourn.

I lust. I desire. I love. Sometimes my heart hurts, cracks and breaks as a result.

I scream. I sing. I am happy. Sometimes I am afraid.

Sometimes I smile when I feel like screaming. Sing when I feel like crying. Cry when I am happy and laugh when I am afraid.

I empathize. I sympathize. I pity.

I need. Mostly want. Sometimes I can’t tell one from the other.

I doubt. I reason. Sometimes I negotiate.

I hug. I kiss. I embrace.

Sometimes I am soft. Sometimes I am strong.

I know to tell right from wrong. Sometimes I forget how to. Sometimes I don’t want to.

I strive. I thrive. I endure. I overcome. I care. I hurt. Sometimes I heal.

I wish. I dream. I believe.

I fall. I stand up. Sometimes lie fallen for a long time before I stand up.

I hate. I hurt. I help. Sometimes I need help.

I am shy. I am proud. Sometimes I am ashamed.

I hope. Sometimes I know it’s hopeless. I still hope.

I have wisdom, knowledge, intelligence. Sometimes I choose to use those gifts. Other times I take them for granted.

I love. Sometimes I lose.

I dare. I do. I am brave. Sometimes I fear.

I have courage. I have strength. I am happy. Sometimes I am sad.

I envy. I long. I forgive. Sometimes I forget.

I have infinite potential. Sometimes I forget what this is.

I am patient. I am aware. Sometimes I am oblivious.

I can’t. I can. Sometimes I think I can’t when I can. Sometimes I believe I can when I can’t.

I can manipulate the world around me. I can simply let it slide. I choose. I understand my choices.

Sometimes I am positive. Sometimes I am negative. Most of the time I am indifferent.

I am right. I am wrong. Sometimes I really don’t know.

I am lost. I am alone. I am pushed around. Sometimes I push them around.

I care. I don’t. Mostly I care but pretend I don’t.

I am apathetic.

I give up. I give in. Sometimes I give it all I got. I give everything.

I get what I want. I get what I don't want. Mostly I get what I deserve.

I act. More often I react.

I am Gods greatest gift. And his heaviest burden.

I am human.

Monday, 10 August 2009

26!!!!

This is just another birthday wish
Like the millions you have heard before
Wishing you all the best in life
Everything you want and so much more

The wording maybe different
But the wish is just the same
Only thing that might make it special
Is the source from which it came :P

Your birthday comes once a year
So go do something you've never done
Twenty six is a tad too old
But not too old to have some fun :P :P

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Good friends vs Great friends

1. When you are in trouble good friend offers to help but a great friend will not take 'no' for an answer.

2. When you are in jail a good friend will bail you out but a great friend will be right beside you saying ' we screwed up but we still had fun.'

3. At the most crucial stages a good friend will tell you what you want to hear but a great friend will tell you things you don't want to tell yourself.

4. When you are in an embaressing situation a good friend will offer to lend support but a great friend will pretend nothing is wrong.

5. A good friend loves us for all the good things in us but great friend knows our flaws and still loves us anyway.

6. A good friend thinks the friendship over again when you have had an arguement but a great friend knows it's not a friendship until you have had a fight.

7. A good friend will sympathize with you when you are sad but a great friend will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the idiots who made you sad.

8. A good friend will keep in touch often but a great friend will get in touch when you need them to.

9. A good friends understands how you feel when you tell them but a great friend understands even without the use of words.

10.A good friend is hard to find but a great friend is harder to leave.

11.When you are with a good friend you do stuff and have loads of fun but when you are with a great friend you do nothing and still have loads of fun.

12.Even if you look funny a good friend will tell you look pretty but a great friend will tell you look hideous and get you to change your out fit.

13. Similarities creates a good friend but differences hold great friends together.

14. A good friend will call to see how you are but a great wont call instead they will come over.

15.A good friend will joke about others but a great friend will joke about each other.

16.A good friend will tell all the right things but stay away but a great friend will be there holding your hand and might be telling all the wrong things.

17.A good friend will grow apart when growing seperately but a great friend will still be together.

18.When you are with a good friend silence is awkward but with a great friend silence is one of the most meaningful conversations.

19. With a good friend you try to have fun but with a great friend you are just yourself.

20.When you are scared a good friend will comfort you but a great friend will bug the shit out of you until you are not.

21. When you fall down a good friend will help you up but a great friend will laught and then help you up.

22.When you smile for no reason a good friend will smile back but a great friend will know that you are thinking about something they would probably want to be involved in.

23.A good friend will hand you tissue till you cry your heart out but a great friend will somehow make you stop.

24.A good friend will lie to make you feel better but a great friend will tell you the truth and then make you feel better.

25.A good friend will tell things to make you laugh but with a great friend laughter is part of a day-to-day conversation.

food glorious food!

Its 11.25 and I am hungry.... wish 5 was at home and not at work!!!!

I want food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 35 mins more for lunch.... this is killing me....

he is going

People always leave
Noone is here to stay
But when the love of you life is leaving
What are you suppose to say

Miss you is the obvious
Love you he's heard before
But everytime you say it
I know it means much more

Words don't seem enough
But what else do you give
Gifts he gets from everyone
And words can make you live

Poems, letters and stories
I have written plenty and more
But I am not sure whether it's clear
That I simply can't let go

A week or so with him
That is all I've got
To do all the things I want to do
And tell him everything I have not

I have tried to get through
But I don't think he understands
That when he has nobody
I still give him an helping hand

And now as he is leaving
There is nothing I could do
Just watch him pass by
And hope he feels the way I do

Thursday, 25 June 2009

It came out like a river once I let it out... When I thought I wouldn't know how...

So many questions haunt my mind right now and so many voices are inside my head screaming too many different things. But there is this one thing which all the voices in my head scream in unison and even my mind agrees to it. That is the fact that NOONE CAN EVER KNOW!

It has to be 'our' secret. Just me and the person who I trust the most in the whole wide world. I really don't know whether I still trust him the most or whether I trust him at all but I know that he wants this kept a secret as much as I do. No, I don't believe that that is true either. But however I know he will keep our secret. I am 100% sure of that.

But why can't I just forget about it? So nobody knows. Nobody ever will. Then why is it still haunting me? Why does it always come into mind as soon as I think I might be over it. Will anybody ever get to know? Is that what I am afraid of? Is that why I can't seem to stop thinking about it?

The voices in my head are screaming louder now. I think I am getting a head ache again. I still manage to force a smile and laugh and pretend everything is okay. Will anybody ever see through this? If they do will they ever know why I fake it. What happens if someone gets to know? Wait! I don't want to know the answer for that. Noone can get to know. This should only be known by him and me. 'Our' secret remember. But will I be able to keep it? Can I go on like this? Am I that strong? It doesn't seem to matter now does it? I have to be that strong. I don't have a choice.

What if someone questions me. I know I have to just smile and laugh and somehow convince otherwise. But what if I break down? What if the bruises are so deep that I bleed too much? What if someone sees the scars which have been left behind on my mind? Why can't these questions stop popping into my head. I have faked it very well all this time. Or atleast I think I have. I should be able to keep faking it right?

So do I just keep writting like this? Does writting like this help? Why is the cut so deep? Why is it bleeding so much? Will the bleeding ever stop? I need to stop thinking about this. Writting makes me think I think. Feel like just breaking down and letting go and just crying. Crying helps I know. But only for awhile. In the long run its more depressing. All I can do is just fake it. I feel like locking myself up in my room, where the radio is on turned up so loud and noone would hear me screaming. Screaming helps too. But that too only for awhile. Because once I do get tired of screaming I do burst out crying.

My lips hurt by forcing this smile. I know I probably have to live this lie all my life. Can I do it? Will I do it? Why can't the past just die? Now too many years have been spent fighting back these tears and the past still seems so alive. Why oh why can't the past just die? I know I am whining but there is nothing else I could do right?

Sometimes I wonder whether I actually do deserve this. Could it by any chance be my fault. I know that it can't be. I never asked for it. But could I have stopped it. If so how? Did I ever actually see it coming and choose to ignore the signes. Did I? If I did just by ignoring does this become my fault. If it is havn't I got punished enough? How long will I have to go on like this? Until the end of time I guess.

Life is not fair. This I learnt long time ago. But what I seem to be still learning is how unfair life can get. This lesson I am sure to keep learning as long as I live.

The voices in my head have started to scream again. I just can't find a way to get them to shut up. Sometimes I like listening to those screams. It's painful but at times it is the only thing which helps. It is the only thing which sometimes makes sense. It is the only thing which understand how and what I have been through. And the fact that noone else can hear them actually makes me smile.

I am tired now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am finally falling asleep. And as I close my eyes I can't help but wonder whether he does go through this and feel it as much as I do? Does it really matter? When tears roll down my cheek as I fall asleep I realise that it is the only thing that really matters......

Thursday, 11 June 2009

It's Just Another Game

I have been waiting for so long
For prince charming to come along
Riding a nice white horse
To take me to a place no one knows

It took me quite some while
But right now I do realize
That I have been living in fairy land
And nothing happens the way its planned

Prince charming is here all right
But there's no white horse by his side
And he is not taking me anywhere
Just going in circles here and there

Sometimes I really don't care
What's he thinking or whether he's there
But then again deep down I know
He's everything I want and even more

So I'll keep waiting bidding my time
Hoping someday for sure he'll be mine
Till then I'll keep playing this game
Pretending, as he does the same

Monday, 8 June 2009

Only He Can

Everyone can share the smile on my lips
But only he can wipe the tears from my eyes
Everyone can see the happiness on my face
But only he can see the sorrows inside

Everyone sees me having fun all the time
But only he ever sees me cry
Everyone can see me acting weird sometimes
But only he will ever know the reason why

Everyone can hear the songs I sing
But only he can hear my painful cries
Everyone can see the shine in my eyes
But only he can see the dismay of my sighs

Everyone can hear all the words I say
But only he can sense what I dont
Everyone can see the softness on my face
But only can see the bruises in my soul

Everyone can hear the laughter in my words
But only he can sense the pain in my voice
Everyone can only see what I let them see
And he is the only one who can guess what I hide

Monday, 27 April 2009

Take time to understand!!

Why do we close our eyes,
When we imagine? When we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful things in
the world are unseen.

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird
and when we find someone whose weirdness
is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in
Mutual weirdness and call it love.

There are things that we never want to let go of,
People we never want to leave behind,
But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world,
It's the beginning of a new life.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt,
Those who have searched and those
Who have tried.
For only they can appreciate the importance of the people
who have touched their lives.

A great love? It's when you shed
Tears and still
You care for him,
It's when he ignores you and still you long for him.
It's when he begins to love another and yet you still smile
and say I'm happy for you.

If love fails, set you free,
Let your heart spread its wings and fly again.
Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies,
You never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win
But those who stand back up when they fall.
Somehow along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize
there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made.

A true friend understands when you say, I forgot,
Waits forever when you say, just a minute,
Stays when you say leave me alone,
Opens the door even before you knock and say can I come in?

Loving is not how you forget but
How you forgive,
Not how you listen but how you understand,
Not what you see but how you feel,
And not how you let go but how you hold on.

It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly.
Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever.

In love, very rarely do we win
But when love is true, even if you lose,
You still win just for having the tingle of loving Someone
More than you love yourself.

There comes a time when we have to stop loving someone
Not because that person has stopped loving us
But because we have found out
That they'd be happier if we let go.

It's best to wait for the one you want
than settle for one that's available.
Best to wait for the one you love
than one who is around.
Best to wait for the right one
because life is too short to waste on just someone.

Sometimes the
One you love turns out to be the one,
who hurts you the most,
And sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms
And cries when you cry
Turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted.

If you really love someone never let go,
Don't believe that letting go means that you love best,
Instead fight for your love,
That's what true love is.

Laugh to your heart's content; you cannot go through life without it.

When you say I love you mean it.
Never type a love letter always use a fountain pen.
Never leave a loved one in anger.

And remember its better to have loved and lost than top have never loved at all.

Don’t over look life’s small joys searching for the big ones.
Remember that no time is ever wasted that makes two people better friends.
In a disagreement with loved ones deal with the current situation, don’t bring up the past.

The best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater that the need for each other.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

To do or Not to do?

I know I have mentioned a couple of cute boys here and there
But this cute boy has some kind of a magical flair

A little bit of flirting has gone on for awhile
But the out come of it I never realized

I have always liked him that much I know
Never did I realize how much it shows

I also had a feeling he might like me too
Last night he confirmed my feeling was true

He is afriad to start something as my brother he knows
He said "darling I dont wanna screw things up with your bro"

I understand he is my bro's friend but it is so unfair
He thinks he might lose my bro too if it goes wrong somewhere

But he said lets take our time and see how things go
We could start something later on you know

So I have no choice but keep waiting I guess
Just keep flirting and hope for the best

I think its really stupid because we plan on hanging out
And I don't think my bro would care if we go out

I already told my brother that I like him so
He just keeps telling he will let him know

He keeps bugging me for him its just a joke
Little does he know... and if he does will he choke

For now all I can do is wait and see
How things turn out and what will be

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Things to be proud about?!?!

Well... this is how random my thoughts can get... But with lack of anythng else to do (because I am at work, if I was at home I would be studying) my mind wonders to all sorts of crazy things! Right now I am trying to figure that if I were to die today what would be the things I would be proud about? It is not that I have done brilliantly well in my studies or done exceptionaly well in a sport.. Wonder if I actually have things to be proud about? lets see........

*think*

1. Ok so I am proud to be a Sri Lankan
2. Proud of my school
3. The fact that I became a senior prefect
4. Proud to be a Royal fan!!!
5. The fact that I row!
6. Proud of my friends... they just awesome in every way!
7. Proud to be a member of one of the coolest families in SL.. hehe (parents, bro and sis's all included)
8. Proud to have gotten on a thomians shoulders to wave the Royal flag! ;)
9. Proud to have run on to the grounds when Royal scored the winning runs! ;) :D
10. The fact that we gave sleeping tablets to a teacher..!
11. To have represented school in a sport.. Especially the tour to Malaysia
12. To have got school colours
13. Getting through my A/Ls and the LLB 1st year!
14. Proud of the awesomest relationship I had with Lover Boy and everything we shared and did
15. Of my 18th birthday party! it was the best ever!!!
16. All the crazy things we have done in school...

well... thats as much as I can come up with now! Are these even things to be proud about??? I am anyway..

Who knows the answers?

If breaking up now is the best thing you just break up right?? Or do you just blindly carry on till you have no choice but break up??And if you choose to break up now you will have to take the blame of going out knowing very well of the threat of having to break up right?? But doesn't going out always have a risk of breaking up?? No one promises that it will be sun shine and smooth sailing all along now do they?? And if you choose to blindly carry on wont it be even harder to break up when the time comes?? So if you break up now and give a totally different reason for the break up it would be easier for the partner to get over you right?? So what if you say you like someone else or that you don't like him anymore.. Your partner will never get to know the real reason right?? It would be easier for him to get over you right ; rather than just blame the world for its cruelty??

Monday, 23 March 2009

Here goes my personality test.. :)

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Here is the analysis:
1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.

3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.

4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

Here is the analysis:
You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Bright and Cheerful
You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

You value your friendships: 50%
You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too.

Here is the analysis:
Your sweetheart is like a big brother to you. He is kind and always takes good care of you. He is a dream boyfriend; gentle and compassionate, he is completely and utterly dedicated to the girl he loves. It's easy to please him because he appreciates everything you do for him. There's no need to worry about changing yourself in any way because he accepts you the way you are. When this type of man fall in love it's going to be deep and quite probably forever.

Jealousy Level: 35%
You harbor no feelings of jealousy.You are calm and often think differently compared to other people. You don't get jealous because you believe that other people's business is theirs alone. So what if they're beautiful and score all the guys? That's their luck! Some people may think of you as being a bit of a loner.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

This That and The Other


Have been so busy the past few weeks I didn't even have time to blog. Honest to god though I have been doing some kind of studies these days. But I guess it is high time since I have 63 days more for my exam... Damn it I am so fraked out!!!!! Last week I missed my lectures to go for the roy - tho; my priorities are so messed up I think. Of course I did catch up on my notes and did a bit of extra studies to compensate!

Everyone else has stopped work already in order to study. But me trying to be too smart thought I can manage and now running a race against time!

With all that work to be done I am still going for the roy-tho one day match! I am twisted aint I? But in my defence I would not be missing a lecture this time around. Plus I would get to see Lover Boy again. (pathetic I know!) Plus I am hoping Royal would win!

I have not said this before now have I? I am one of the greatest Royal College fans. Go ROYAL!!

Sigh... I know... I should get back to getting some work done without just wasting time.

P.S. - I still think the match was worth missing the lectures! :D (don't even talk about my priorities)

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Is It A Rape Or Was There Consent?

It was just past 8.oo p.m. and she was alone in the house cooking. She hates to cook just for herself but she had no choice, she was hungry and there was nothing else to eat!

She heard the front door open and close. She wondered who it could be. She knew it can't be him. He said he wont be home till around midnight.

She was right it was not him. Right in front of the door was some stranger. A tall, dark and hot stranger. "who are you? what do you want?" was all she could say before this strange man pulled out a knife. She was shocked scared and dumbstruck that all she could do was stand there. While the stranger kept getting closer with the knife in his hand she kept walking back till she was against the wall. When she finaly came around from the shock, she screamed as loud as she could as he grabbed her by the wrist. He closed her mouth with one hand held the knife against her neck from the other while pushing her against the wall and said "Shut up or I'll kill you!!!" This just only made her scream louder while struggling to get his grip off...

However much she tried to get away from him while he forcefully kissed her was all in vain as he was a strong man. But she did not give up. She tried her best to push him away and screamed at every possible moment while piece by piece her clothes were taken off and so was his.

He was so good at what he had come to do. He knew exactly what move to make, when and how. And most importantly how to make the other feel good. He had had enough practice to perfect the art.

But she did not notice his talents and was far from feeling good. She was scared, angry, crying and desparately in need to get away, which was far harder to do now, since he had pushed her on to the couch and got on top of her.

After many a struggles and screams from her and many a moves from the stranger she finaly gave up all her efforts of trying to get away and gave in to him as he smoothly entered into her.

The struggling had stopped and the screams became more of sexual nature. It was painful alright but she was enjoying it. She held his body against it to his rhythmetic movements. She knew this can't be right but it did not feel wrong either. So she let go of all resistance and gave into her temptations of enjoying everything the stranger had come to do.

After it was all over the stranger walked out of the house satisfied with himself and knowing very well that he will never see the inside of that house again.

She was still lying on the couch... naked... crying... full of hurt and hate... Hating the stranger for what he did and hating her self for actually enjoying it!

As the clock struck 11 she somehow pulled herself together and wore her clothes piece by piece and awaited his arrival. Not even god knew whether she would confide in him of what happened tonight!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Single Mom

I had mentioned on a note on facebook on 25 rondom things about me that I feel I will be a single parent one day! And the mentioning of it lead to the following conversation with a friend last night...

Friend : why do you fear that you will be a single mom someday?

Me: I dunno... Just a feeling... I don't fear it though.. I think I quite like it!

Friend : Can I tell you something? No offence just an instinct... I think its possibly likely too...

Me : I know... anyway I told my mom if I don't marry I will adopt a kid..

Friend : You are trying to be a single mom without marrying... Happoo I don't like that!

Me : lol.. But I have a feeling I will marry.. Have about 2 kids.. Possibly a son and a daughter... And then divorce...

Friend : You have it all planned out huh? Do you think it will be lover boy?

Me : I'm not sure... I feel it might not be him... But he might be the reason for divorce!!! Anyway I have a feeling the kids would live with me after the divorce..

Friend : ummm ok... So if you feel that lover boy is the reason for divorce, why marry anyway?

Me : lol good point!

Friend : I told you are a complex person... It surprises me that we made such good friends...

Me : I think I wont see the potential threat for divorce before marriage so I'll marry!

Friend: Well... You are seeing it now!!!

Me: I am assuming! When I am marrying I will forget all of these assumptions and get married.. I will be too caught up with the moment and my husband to be!

Friend : I dunno men.. You will be unhappy neh but.. Going through the divorce and all!!

Me: Sigh... I guess so!

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Living A lie

So much to do in so little time
Words I cannot find which rhyme

So much to say not enough words
Wish I could just fly like a bird

So much to show cannot find ways
Its just an hour but seems like days

So many moments but cannot get enough
Why is life always so tough

Two different stories but just one me
I am living a lie, now I see

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The Touch Of Your Hands

As she walked into the room and scanned the crowd she made a mental note 'woah he is cute' while noticing a guy. At that same time he noticed her walking in and silently told himself 'damn she is pretty'. But they both hid their feelings so well. Didn't give each other too much attention nor did they completely ignore one another. They spoke to each other just as much as they spoke to the rest. They did not try to impress the other and was a not afraid to make a complete fool of themselves and do the craziest of things. Didn't even give each other an extra glance. None of their other mutual friends seem to notice how they felt. Infact they themselves didn't know how the other felt. This was partly the reason why they hid their feelings and partly because they didn't want their friends to start bugging each other. Both were being so mature about it. Neither of them knew how the other felt. Not until it was time to leave. As they said good bye to each other, their hands touched and they both let it be so for two or three seconds longer than they should have, letting each other know exactly how they felt. So as they said good bye and walked thier different ways, they both went knowing very well that it's just the begining and not the end.

Awaiting A Decision

I walk not knowing
What lies ahead
He'll decide and tell
Whether to turn right or left

The decision is not
Mine to make
But what ever the out come
I will not break

I shall keep walking
Come what may
With my head held up
I'll walk all day

I have fallen into many
A dumps before
It stopped me for awhile
But then I let go

I know it's not easy
I know it'll pain
Even with sun shine
God gives us rain

I'll try not to break
And fall apart
I'll rewrite my story
Again from the start

Down on my knees
To the gods I pray
Just keep me happy
Come what may

Monday, 16 February 2009

On My Way Home

Everyday I walk home
Along the same route
Always lost in my thoughts
Never bother to look

But one day quite by accident
I saw this guy pass
A guy with damn good looks
And a guy with class

The rest of the walk
I was lost in thought alright
Thoughts of this random guy
Who had caught my sight

Now everytime I walk
The usual sites I'd see
Then sometimes I would wonder
"Did he look at me?"

I never got a really close look
And never did I see his smile
Which said more than just
A simple "hello" or "good bye"

Not untill one day under the same tree
When the rain came pouring down
As we looked at each other he whispered
But yet he made no sound

But now I can't help but wonder
Why my heart does long
To pass him on the roadway
And sing him this song

Friday, 13 February 2009

A Valentines With A Difference!

Well.. so tomorrow is valentines day. But I have not got anything much planned. It's not like I am single or anything. I mean I can't even remember the last time I was single on valentines day! But always me and my respective other at the relevant time have not made a 'big deal' about it. But we always did 'something'.

This time it's going to be different. My boy friends abroad at the moment and I highly doubt whether we will meet on line even. It kind of sucks. But I am ok. Not complaining. Just stating facts.

All these years I have been getting something on valentines day from someone or other. Need not necessarily be my guy. But this time I am sure I wont get anything. Not complaining again just stating facts.

Well due to the above reasons I think I will celebrate valentines day with my best firend. Probably go out for dinner or something. That is if my friend has no other plan! Will see how things go..!

Time To Hit The Books

So as I keep walking on this road called life I am just about to take another turn. And I know this turn will slightly alter my life style a little bit as all turns always do.

Let me first do some self revelation here. Yes, I do go to work and spend atleast 8 hours of a given week day at office like most of you people out there. Plus I am also in my 2nd year of the LLB. Which means whole of saturdays and some late evenings during the week days I have to dedicate myself to lectures and tutorials! This in turn means that sunday is the only day that I have time to spend with myself or anyone else for that matter. On a typical Sunday though, I have rowing early in the moring and I go to my grand parents house for lunch where I spend time with my beloved cousins. In additon to all of this I row, go for ballet and martial arts classes and currently even learning to drive. Well such is my boring life.

But now as I take another turn, life is going to be a bit more hectic. Well it's not that my work load at office has increased or anything, but I have promised to help my boss on a private business by being a researcher for him for a UNDP project. I am not sure exactly my work on that should start. I am also having my exams coming up in May. Just 2 and a half months away from my exams I have finally decided to actually hit the books from today! This is exactly the turn in life I was talking about. It's not like I have ever flunked an exam or anything but neither have I ever studied. I am a crammer. I just study probably a week before and that also not much. Therefore if I actually get around studying from now on (which I hope to) it is going to be a big step in life for me.

However alocating time to my studies should not be a problem at all. But alocating time to my friends and studies is going to be a bit chaotic. Especially when best friends who study abroad surprise me by standing at my door step as I walk home. Well as I said ealier, I do realize that life is going to be a bit hectic. But I have made up my mind. I will hit the books head on from today onwards. Only thing which is giving me doubts as to whether I should actually start today is the fact that today is Friday the 13th. It is suppose to be an unlucky day and I sure do hope that it doesn't bring bad luck to my studies! Studying law means you need the best of luck in the world!

So heres to me and my hope to study sessions. FYI I have already done a study plan.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Moments

I'll stay up all night just to hear you breathing
I'll walk a thousand miles just to see you smiling

Just a look in your eyes is enough for me to cheer
A touch of your hands is a lot to ask I fear

To hold your hand I'll even give up for ever
When I sit by your side I thank god we are together

I watch you from far and wonder what your thinking
Just to hear your voice gives me a tingling feeling

When ever you hug me I can't stop smiling
The day you carried me I felt like I was flying

When ever you smlie or simply just watch me
There is no where else on earth I wish I could be

The way you hold my hand when we are walking
My heart skips a beat even when we are talking

The undescribeable feeling of a almost kiss
Not a single moment with you I want to miss

I could stay lost in these moments for ever
If only you know what it means for me to be together

Friday, 6 February 2009

You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

Yes, I want to meet you. I really do. No, not to have a conversation or not to start a fight. Not to even laugh like we used to and have fun. That would be all just a pretense. Just for me to sit next to you and just enjoy the feeling of you being by my side. Yes, to enjoy the silence and still hear every word you would probably be saying. Just so that you could look into my eyes and see for yourself that what you say is not who I am or how I feel. No, not a word need to be spoken. Only to look into each others eyes and maybe an occasional smile. Probably not a happy one but a smile which would say 'I know what your thinking but this is how it will be'. I know that we will both hear very clearly all the words which will go unspoken. No, we need not confide in each other or admit exactly how we feel. We could let our ears explode with the deafening silence. No, there would be no need for you to hold my hand or even say good bye. No, I promise there would be no tears rolling down my cheeks. When we feel like it's time to leave all we have to do is just stand and walk our different ways. No need to look back. You know exactly where I would be going and what I would be doing and I will not question your doings. It will all soon be over and we can get lost in our own worlds as soon as we walk away. But you and I both know that the silence we shared between us made absolute sense and probably will never be forgotten.

Monday, 2 February 2009

25 Things About Me

Well I got this from facebook post which I was tagged in.. But I thought it would me more practical to write 25 honest things about me here.. ;) If I could find 25 that is.. so here goes!


1. I am in love :)
2. I miss my school days
3. I am a drama queen :P
4. I miss my best friends
5. I am selfish
6. I am stubborn
7. I love music
8. I wish upon stars :):)
9. I care for people who I should not care about
10. I don't believe in god
11. I believe in miracles
12. I am a peoples person
13. I get what I want... and if I can't get then I don't want
14. I am cheerful by nature
15. I love the beach
16. I love to party
17. I can be very mean when I want to
18. I believe in giving people second chances
19. I don't believe in love at first sight
20. I make better friends with boys than with girls (most of the time)
21. I believe that first cut is the deepest
22. I have never got drunk and don't intend to
23. I am not as innocent as I look
24. I am 'all fart no shit' at times
25. I want to stop studying as soon as possible!!

Sunday, 25 January 2009

The Dark Side

I'm afraid to think of what lies ahead
I can not see on what I tread

I'm all alone with just darkness around me
I'm afraid of myself and who I'll turn out to be

I'm afraid of the evil thoughts running through my head
Sometimes I find myself wishing I was dead

I'm afraid of what I'll do when my dark side shows
The evilness inside me I don't want to expose

I feel I'm happy in the darkness and I don't want the light
And I'm afriad that this feeling might turn out to be right

I find comfort in the darkness and the lights burn my eyes
And the goodness inside me I sometimes dispise

I'm afraid that the dark side has taken over me
It's amazing how well in the dark I could see

The lost and the lonleyness seems to be gone
With the darkness beside me I will move on

I'm afraid I have taken a wrong turn down the line
But when everything was lost the darkness seemed fine

I'm frozen up inside so no longer do I feel
The pain, the hurt or anything else real

I'm afraid of this person who I have become
The feeling of nothingness and everything numb

I'm afraid I will never feel afraid again
Is the darkness better or feeling the pain?? :s :s

Friday, 23 January 2009

I'm Still Here

You were here long ago
Now where you are I do not know
But I'm still here

I know you think I would be gone
Just like you that I'll move on
But I'm still here

I'll never forget the words you said
How you cut me open and how I bled
But I'm still here

Mind drifted, memories burn
Once you're gone you can't return
But I'm still here

Some people think that I have left
And only memories I have kept
But I'm still here

If only you would ever know
That without you I'll never go
And I'm still here

A Professional Girl Friend :D

Well I did this quiz to see what kind of a girl friend I am and this was the result... I highly doubt the result my self and don't expect anyone else to believe it either...


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?-->
You Are A Professional Girlfriend!
You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Getting to know me...

I got this from Lady Divine's blog....

1. What time did you get up this morning?
5.52 a.m.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Madagascar

4. What is your favorite TV show?
F-R-I-E-N-D-S

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Sandwiches

6. What is your middle name?
Hmmmm... wont mention

7. What food do you dislike?
Tomatoe

8. What is your favorite album at the moment?
Hmmm…. Akon's 'na na na'

9. What kind of car do you drive?
Dont have one.. :(

10. Favorite sandwich?
Egg

11. What characteristics do you despise?
Backstabbing

12. Favorite item of clothing?
Shorts and t- shirts!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Right now to the states.. where Bestie is!!!

14. Favorite brand of clothing?
Odel I guess...

15. Where would you retire to?
This house down my lane I am dieing for!!

16. What was your most memorable birthday?
18th :D:D

17. Favorite sport to watch?
Rugger

18. When is your birthday?
3rd August 1988

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night person

20. What is your shoe size?
I have no idea!!

21. Pets?
No pets

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
Nothing really at the moment.

23. What did you want to be when you were little?
Never had a ambition! :O

24. How are you today?
BORED!!!!

25. What is your favorite candy?
I am not a sweet fan!

26. What kind of flowers do you like?
White roses

27. What day on the calendar are you looking forward to?
No day in particular….

28. What is your full name?
No way am I saying it here….:)

29. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of the fan and the sound of typing by the person in the next workstation.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Pineapple

31. Do you wish on stars?
Yes .. :)

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Navy Blue

33. What is the weather like right now?
Sunny!!

34. First person you spoke to on the phone today?
A friend from work

35. Favorite soft drink?
Apple soda

36. Favorite restaurant?
Don’t have favourites really..

37. Real hair color?
Black but slightly brown!

38. Favorite toy as a child?
The imaginary ones!!

39. Summer or winter?
Summer…

40. Hugs or kisses?
Both!!

41. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla

42. Coffee or tea?
Neither... but if I HAVE to chose I'd say... Coffee

43. When was the last time you cried?
16th of January 2009!!!

44. What is under your bed?
Hmmm…. Shoes,slippers and a box full of cards!!

45. What did you do last night?
Listend to pirith.

46. What are you afraid of?
That my heart would be broken again!

47. Salty or sweet?
Salty

48. How many keys on your key ring?
Hmm… none :D :D

49. Favorite day of the week?
Usually Sundays but of late Mondays have been great!! ;)

50. How many towns you lived in?
1.

51. Do you make friends easily?
Usually yes…

Sunday, 18 January 2009

I couldn't fight the tears that kept coming...

*Iris edited*


I would have given up forever to touch you
Cause I thought that you'll feel me some how
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
But it doesn't seem to matter right now

And I'll never forget that moment
A moment of hurt in my life
I know that it seems to be over
But I can't get my mind off that night

I didn't want the world to see me
Cause I didn't think that they'd understand
But now that everything seems to be broken
Even I am not sure who I am

I couldn't fight the tears that kept coming
Or the moment of hurt in my smiles
When everything felt like the movies
I just cried just to know I'm alive

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Prince Charming

From the time I was very small
I have always had a prince
I was 5 when I first met him
And I have been friends with him since

I first met him in my dreams
Where he once saved my life
Since then I kept dreaming of him
Specially as his wife

Then one fine day I met this guy
And I was surprised I was awake
Cause he was the prince I was dreaming of
It's then I knew he wasn't fake

So I got friendly with this guy
Plus dreamt of him more and more
The more I spoke the closer we got
And I knew I can't let go

Thank god my prince felt the same
And asked me to be his
Since then we have stuck together
Me as princess and he as prince

Friday, 9 January 2009

Help

I look, I think, I understand
But then why do I give a damn!

It feels so right but I know its wrong
I can't help but keep going on

Is it really wrong or could it be right?
Or am I afraid that it could be right?

Why am I confusing I do not know
God give me a sign as to where I should go

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

So Many Things To Tell You

I have so many things to tell you
But how do I make you see
That we can simply make it through
If I'm with you and your with me

We are from worlds apart I accept
And problems would come our way
But why can't you simply believe in us
Impossible is nothing they say

I can't pin point and find
The reason why I love you so
Maybe cause your cute, nice, caring,
Loving and so much more

The reason might not be convincing
But for sure one thing I know
I love you so much darling
And with each day I love you more

And if on one fine day as you believe
You and I would have to part
Remember you wont be the only one
Who is left with a broken heart

But if you think that this is pointless
And that you and I wont be
Then its up to you to take a decision
Please don't pass it on to me

As for me I will try my best
To make it work between us
Because I believe in miracles
And I do believe in us

As for you I guess you know this
But you are one talented guy
And you have it in you to make it big
All you got to do is try

I could go on and on for ever
Because I have so many things to tell
But I guess I'll take my leave now
And simply wish you well



Miss you loads but love you more!!!
mmwwhhaaaa!

Monday, 5 January 2009

Im Sorry

I hear your voice calling, I see your eyes reaching for me
My mind reaches back but my heart refuses to see

My mind clings on to you and never wants to walk away
My heart keeps looking at him and simply refuses to stay

I know you will be there for me but will always be wanting more
My mind wants more too but my heart will never let it show

I think you can hear it in my voice and see it in my eyes too
I want it to stop but I can't help reaching out to you

I know it is unfair and I should not be leading you on
But my mind always insists on keep holding on

I know it is no excuse but Im sorry I can't explain
Because I know I'll never let my mind win again

Over

Everything right
One thing wrong
Years of building
All falls down

Like in the movies
It was nothing bad
Just for a moment
I might have gone mad

Play it over and over
Pause and think
Rewind as I might
It wont blink

After awhile
I start to realise
Its not fiction
It is real life

I feel happy
And then I smile
Still have hope
Atleast for awhile

Then suddenly the hurt
And unstoppable pain
Starts to creep
Inside me again

To realise its over
Everything invain
It was once in a life time
It'll never happen again

But broken as I am
I must be strong
I will be happy
I shall move on