Thursday, 25 June 2009

It came out like a river once I let it out... When I thought I wouldn't know how...

So many questions haunt my mind right now and so many voices are inside my head screaming too many different things. But there is this one thing which all the voices in my head scream in unison and even my mind agrees to it. That is the fact that NOONE CAN EVER KNOW!

It has to be 'our' secret. Just me and the person who I trust the most in the whole wide world. I really don't know whether I still trust him the most or whether I trust him at all but I know that he wants this kept a secret as much as I do. No, I don't believe that that is true either. But however I know he will keep our secret. I am 100% sure of that.

But why can't I just forget about it? So nobody knows. Nobody ever will. Then why is it still haunting me? Why does it always come into mind as soon as I think I might be over it. Will anybody ever get to know? Is that what I am afraid of? Is that why I can't seem to stop thinking about it?

The voices in my head are screaming louder now. I think I am getting a head ache again. I still manage to force a smile and laugh and pretend everything is okay. Will anybody ever see through this? If they do will they ever know why I fake it. What happens if someone gets to know? Wait! I don't want to know the answer for that. Noone can get to know. This should only be known by him and me. 'Our' secret remember. But will I be able to keep it? Can I go on like this? Am I that strong? It doesn't seem to matter now does it? I have to be that strong. I don't have a choice.

What if someone questions me. I know I have to just smile and laugh and somehow convince otherwise. But what if I break down? What if the bruises are so deep that I bleed too much? What if someone sees the scars which have been left behind on my mind? Why can't these questions stop popping into my head. I have faked it very well all this time. Or atleast I think I have. I should be able to keep faking it right?

So do I just keep writting like this? Does writting like this help? Why is the cut so deep? Why is it bleeding so much? Will the bleeding ever stop? I need to stop thinking about this. Writting makes me think I think. Feel like just breaking down and letting go and just crying. Crying helps I know. But only for awhile. In the long run its more depressing. All I can do is just fake it. I feel like locking myself up in my room, where the radio is on turned up so loud and noone would hear me screaming. Screaming helps too. But that too only for awhile. Because once I do get tired of screaming I do burst out crying.

My lips hurt by forcing this smile. I know I probably have to live this lie all my life. Can I do it? Will I do it? Why can't the past just die? Now too many years have been spent fighting back these tears and the past still seems so alive. Why oh why can't the past just die? I know I am whining but there is nothing else I could do right?

Sometimes I wonder whether I actually do deserve this. Could it by any chance be my fault. I know that it can't be. I never asked for it. But could I have stopped it. If so how? Did I ever actually see it coming and choose to ignore the signes. Did I? If I did just by ignoring does this become my fault. If it is havn't I got punished enough? How long will I have to go on like this? Until the end of time I guess.

Life is not fair. This I learnt long time ago. But what I seem to be still learning is how unfair life can get. This lesson I am sure to keep learning as long as I live.

The voices in my head have started to scream again. I just can't find a way to get them to shut up. Sometimes I like listening to those screams. It's painful but at times it is the only thing which helps. It is the only thing which sometimes makes sense. It is the only thing which understand how and what I have been through. And the fact that noone else can hear them actually makes me smile.

I am tired now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am finally falling asleep. And as I close my eyes I can't help but wonder whether he does go through this and feel it as much as I do? Does it really matter? When tears roll down my cheek as I fall asleep I realise that it is the only thing that really matters......

Thursday, 11 June 2009

It's Just Another Game

I have been waiting for so long
For prince charming to come along
Riding a nice white horse
To take me to a place no one knows

It took me quite some while
But right now I do realize
That I have been living in fairy land
And nothing happens the way its planned

Prince charming is here all right
But there's no white horse by his side
And he is not taking me anywhere
Just going in circles here and there

Sometimes I really don't care
What's he thinking or whether he's there
But then again deep down I know
He's everything I want and even more

So I'll keep waiting bidding my time
Hoping someday for sure he'll be mine
Till then I'll keep playing this game
Pretending, as he does the same

Monday, 8 June 2009

Only He Can

Everyone can share the smile on my lips
But only he can wipe the tears from my eyes
Everyone can see the happiness on my face
But only he can see the sorrows inside

Everyone sees me having fun all the time
But only he ever sees me cry
Everyone can see me acting weird sometimes
But only he will ever know the reason why

Everyone can hear the songs I sing
But only he can hear my painful cries
Everyone can see the shine in my eyes
But only he can see the dismay of my sighs

Everyone can hear all the words I say
But only he can sense what I dont
Everyone can see the softness on my face
But only can see the bruises in my soul

Everyone can hear the laughter in my words
But only he can sense the pain in my voice
Everyone can only see what I let them see
And he is the only one who can guess what I hide