Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I want....

* I want to be happy
* I want him
* I want him to want me
* I want everything to be ok between him and me
* I want him to be happy
* I want to be able to trust him
* I want him to trust me
* I want to start studying... ( ok that's lie - it's only a need!)
* I want to pass my examz!
* I want santa to give me what I asked him for xmas!!!
* I want to laugh real hard
* I want to go crazy with my friends
* I want my BFF's to come back to SL
* I want to hug my bestie and cry really hard
* I want him to know all the things I am not telling him
* I want to relive some moments which mean a damn lot
* I want to live life so that I might want to relive it later
* I want to smile till my mouth hurts!
* I want to scream and sing with my sister's or friends
* I want to do all the weird things only me and my sisters do
* I want xmas to be like anyother xams ( full of fun and crazyness)
* I want to dance in the rain
* I want to party hard
* I want to scream and run round and jump up and down like an idiot
* I want to go insain!
* I want to go for a walk on my own
* I want to watch the sun set at the beach
* I want to meet him, hug him real hard, kiss him passionately and let him know exactly how I feel
* I want to live in certain moment of times
* I want to go to the beach, lie on my stomach in a corner and observe everone else... then think real hard as to what exactly I really want.. then have a sea bath play the fool.. forget baout everthing I thought and come home!!!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

2009 - Things changed so fast!!!

Jan : Everything was quite the usual. Days were hectic. Work was fun. Lectures were long and boring. Studies was hardly done. Friends were too busy to play the fool.

Feb : Convocation!!! Was so proud of Aiya getting a world prize. Partied a lot. Work was as usual. Books were not touched.

March : Broke up!!! (after 2 and a half years of being together) Was heart broken. Cried myself to sleep every night. Tried studying but didn't work. My friends tried really hard to distract me but didn't work. Went to work as usual, socialised as usual but nothing was normal!

April : Stopped work. Went into depression. Studied. Cried a lot. Wrote a lot. And studied even more. (studying is something I never have done before)

May : Examz!!! Stressed out. Freaked out. Cried. Studied. Almost died! BUt somehow did the examz..

June : Was back to being happy. Went on trips. Partied. Met up with friends. Started working again. My besties came home for summer!! Yes I was happy once again!

July : My best friend (who happens to be my ex - we had to break up because of unavoidable circumstances so we remained best of friends) was leaving to Aussie. Spent every moment possible with him. And after he left was upset and missed him a lot. But was with my other besties who were back for summer, so still went out a lot.

August : I turned 21!!! Had an awesome party. Loved it. In any case I partied with my friends a lot. Met this guy who kind of caught my eye. Flirted. Stopped work towards the last week. Got results. I passed my examz!!

September : Friends left back to uni abroad. Started lectures again. Started working in a new place. Kept on flirting.

October : Started falling for that boy. Started going out with him. Work was as usual. Lectures got a bit more hectic.

November : Work was boring. Studies were getting tough but didn't do anything about it. Falling in love more and more.

December : Mood swings!!! Friends are back on holiday. A lot of outings, trips and parties. The usual christmas celebrations. Stopping work this coming friday! (hoping to study for my finals from Jan)

Yes a lot did change this year!!! - I hope it's for the better!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

=( =S Should I??

I need to be alone. I need to run away. Somewhere far far away. where no one knows me. I need to cry for hours. I have to be alone! Instead I am stuck at stupid work!!!

Nothing will be the same again. I can feel it. I need my friends. But do I open up to them? Tell them everything? Even if I do there is nothing they can do about it. So maybe I should just keep it all inside.

But I have to let it go. Some way or the other. I need to take a long walk on my own. Reminisce everything. Cry as much as I want. Till my eyes start burning and my head starts to hurt. Then go back home and cry all night and hopefully fall asleep for about an hour before dawn.

Yes there is no other way. I have to cry it out.

Of course many of my friends drink at times like this. It goes against my principals. But desparate times calls for desparate messures right? I don't see the harm in trying it. It would be just one night. My friends do it all the time. Especially at times like these. They do it for the fun of it also. Why can't I right?

I have been through many a hard times and some how coped with them by just crying. It took sometime for me to figure out what made me want to turn to drinks. It is because all other times everyone around me knew why I was upset. I spoke to all my friends about it. Cried with everyone. This time I can't do that. I have no one to talk to. Crying alone is hard to do with out people noticing.

I really badly need to get high. Everyone is ever willing to get me high. So why not give in this once. Just once can't be so bad can it?

But if I go against my principals will I be able to put it behind me??

I.want.to.be.happy.again.

Is that alot to ask for?

Monday, 7 December 2009

Dear Me

Dear 11 year old Me,

I know this is a little hard to grasp but I am you, only 10 years older. I wish I got this letter when I was your age so I am sending it to you.

  • No you don't know everything. You don't even know a lot. What you know is almost nothing. But you will learn.
  • Don't be stupid, please wear sunscreen... Getting dark is not cool!
  • Enjoy every moment you get to spend with your best friends. It wont always be this way. In time to come you'll get what I mean.
  • Don't bother looking at boys for the next five years. None of those boys are worth your attention.
  • Not everyone around you is your friend. But you will fall in trouble and only then will you know who your true friends are.
  • Take crazy pictures in outrageous poses. Don't worry about cleavage, there is still no facebook.
  • Don't curse going to school. Just enjoy it as much as possible. It's true - school days are the best days of your life.
  • Laugh as much as you can. It only gets harder to do so the older you get.
  • Listen to your mother, no matter how absurd she sounds. She does have the ability to predict the future.
  • They might tell you otherwise, but don't worry about your studies up until you leave school. You'll do just fine.
  • Love your family. They are the best you could ever ask for.
  • Wear what ever you feel like. That body is yours to flaunt. You get fat sooner than you think :P
  • His name is ________. You'll know him when you meet him. Marry him if you like or break his heart of you don't. Either way make sure he doesn't forget. Because you never will.
  • You are stubborn and you will never listen to others. But at least learn from your own mistakes.
  • Control your temper from now on. You might save yourself from getting into a lot of shit.
  • It's not that you can't. You can. You just have to try. Stop being so pessimistic.
  • You perform best under pressure. The more stressed you feel the better the result will be.
  • It's okay not to have an ambition. Things do fall into place later on. And something will direct you in the right direction.
  • Independence is great, freedom is even better but dependence is easier. So enjoy while you can.
  • Anything is possible. Believe in miracles but don't depend on them.
  • Don't let anyone stop you from doing all the crazy and weird things you want to do. Just do them anyway. That's what makes you - you!
  • Just follow your heart. Your head tends to thinks too much sometimes.
  • It really doesn't matter who you start off with but who you end up with does!
  • Never ever doubt this. YOU ARE AWESOME.

Knowing you, you might not listen to any of this. Don't worry I am proud of who you are. But I only wish I was there to give you a slap when you let xxxxxx get away with what he did!

Good Luck!!!
Love
Me!

WOOT :D

So I was wrong. And I have never been this happy to know that I was wrong! The relief that ran through my body to hear he behaved. How happy I felt. How at ease I felt. It felt like finally my heart strated pumping blood. I suppose he really does love me. I know this is going all on the fact that he is being honest with me. But I will have to give him the benifit of the doubt wouldn't I? After all I do believe that he loves me. For the first time I belive that this might really work out. It feels so good to be able to trust him again. =)

Woot!!! =D

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Never before....

Never before have I loved someone who I couldn't trust. Never before have I stayed up all night wondering what he is upto. Never before have I been so insecure!!! Never before have I been so worried, scared and confused. Never before have I wanted so badly to scream or cry and at the same time hope that I wont have to. Never before have I felt my heart being so heavy. Never before have I felt that I might end up getting hurt real bad. Never before have I been so unsure. Never before have I wanted dialog to have better signal. Never before have I wanted to get through to him this bad. Never before have I wanted someone to talk to me instead of enjoy a party. Never before have I doubted the one I love this much. Never before have I wanted him to call me this badly. Never before have I been this restless. Never before have I not been able to fall asleep. Never before have I felt that there is something inside me which is about to explode. Never before have I felt that I am about to fall into peices. Never before have I wanted a re-assurance that everything will be fine. Never before have I wanted to hear him say he loves me this bad. Never before have I missed him so much. Never before have I felt so helpless. Never before have I felt this way.

And...
I.don't.like.this.one.bit.

And...
There is nothing I can do about it. =( Even if there is I just don't know what to do. =S

Friday, 4 December 2009

I hope it makes sense to you...

Dear Jay,

On the first day I met you who would have thought that I will end up writing a letter to you simply because I am bored and I miss you so. But then again who would have thought I will fall in love with you either.

People say you can never be sure whether you have fallen in love or not. But I without any doubt know that I am in love with you. This is because I am really myself with you. I am not at all self conscious or embaressed in front of you. I can do the most craziest things and tell my darkest secrets and yet know that you still like me for exactly who I am. It's something like being bestest friends but even more special. I can stay awake all night talking to you or thinking of you and still go to work the next day feeling more rested than I have ever felt before. And every time I am with you I feel like I need to hold onto somwthing really tight before I get blown away. And every time I look into your eyes I feel like I have reached the unreachable. I know this sounds really crazy but I know you complete me. When you are not around I might have fun but deep down I know I am not living but merely existing. You are the only one who can make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time Jay. I know it makes no sense to anyone, not even to my bestest friends. But it's perfectly clear to me that I am meant to be with you. Yes Jay, I am in love with you!

That being said I also have to say I am sorry Jay for not loving you the way you want me to. And I am sorry that I am not even close to being the perfect girl friend you wish I was. But Jay, just because I don't love you the way you want me to doesn't mean that I don't love you with all I have. Every time I see you smile, every time I hold your hand and every step I take with you by my side makes me fall in love with you a little bit more.

You ask me Jay how can I be so sure that I don't like someone else who I might find good looking? Because Jay, even though I might notice their looks, everytime I see them I don't get this big urge to go rushing up to them and hug them and wasting all my energy trying to control my urges, like I do when I see you. I don't think about them when I am alone and smile to myself remebering them like I do about you. I could go on for ever Jay, but I think you get the picture. They just look good and you bubz, I love!

I know you think I flirt with others Jay. But I don't. I might talk or chat with some people on and off but trust me babes I know my limits. I don't want to flirt with others and I don't like flirting with anyone but you. You have no idea bubz how I wish I could show you off to the rest of the world and say "yeah.. that's my guy!" How I wish I could tell everyone how much I love you and how you make me feel. Only thing holding me back are your two sisters. Yesterday I quite loved it whe Maryam dared me to put it up on facebook. It was something I wanted to do anyway. And that's the only reason why it has not been removed yet!

You don't know how hurt I was bubz when you told me what happened on your birthday. Darling I was so happy to be able to even see you on your birthday and be at your party. And from the time I saw you I wanted to hug you, give a brithday kiss and dance with you and what not. I knew you wanted them too. But darling it was for the betterment of you, me and our relationship that I held myself back. The only reason I sort of avoided you that night was because I didn't trust my self to control my feelings when I am around you. But I trusted you darling. I wanted you to have a nice time and I was content just seeing you smile. I saw you with girls darling and knew they wanted you, but I trusted you babes. I trusted you so much that I didn't even look to see what you were doing. I hate being a possesive girl friend darling so I just did what I would expect you to do - trust you.

But that night when you told me what happened you broke my heart in many different ways bubz. First of all you broke my trust darling. Then you spoke as if what happened was no big deal. Then you gave excuses saying you didn't initiate. Then you said looking at what I do that it's justifiable!!! That night my heart shattered to a million peices. I finally managed to put those peices back together and mastered enough courage to forgive you. One thing you should realise love is that noone has ever broken my heart before. So this is all new to me. You of all people should understand how much it hurts. My heart is now back in one peice but it is full of cracks. Every little thing you do or say can easily break my heart now.

I know that things might never be the same again. But that doesn't mean I love you any less than I did. With each growing day I still keep loving you even more. I love to see you happy, I love to make you smile and above all I love the fact that you are mine. But darling if I am not enough for you or, you want other women or, for what ever reason you can't be true to me then please just let me go. Don't keep hurting me.

But I don't want that. I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I wish you loved me the way I love you. I wish you help me make every second I spend with you a memory I will smile about and one I will never forget. Remember Jay, I love you with my whole heart and probably always will.

Missing you!!!
Lots of love
and magic hugs

Tash :)