Saturday, 29 August 2015

Last Night

I played my own
Drinking game
I had a shot
For every time
I told your name!

Friday, 28 August 2015


Breaking up is just
A race to see
Who moves on first.
Guess what?
You won!

Monday, 24 August 2015

Away From Home

What is it about this place
That makes me think of you more than I should
Is it because I am so far away from home
That my heart hurts in more ways than it could

Is it the quiet and the stillness here
Or the sense of peace that surrounds this place
That reminds me of the kindness in your eyes
The goodness of your heart and how sweet your lips taste

Is it the cold and the mist that's always here
That reminds me of how comforting and safe I felt in your arms
Or relief and the sense of happiness I felt
Whenever my palm was held against your palm

Is it the greenery and the trees all around
Or the sound the wind makes when it blows
That reminds me of the happiness and fun you brought along with you
Which made my whole world glow

Is it the clear blue sky up above
Or sniffy here wagging its tail
That reminds me of all the moments we shared
Including every little mundane detail!

Sunday, 23 August 2015

It's Been A Month

It’s been a month and I have finally come to accept that there is no getting over you. That no matter how much I want to not love you, I have no control over my heart. But what I do have control over is my life and how I live it. So regardless of whether my heart hurts, cracks and breaks as a result or no matter what my heart wants and pines for, I will live life as I would have, had you been with me. I have come to terms with the fact that you will always be in my heart and I will carry you everywhere I go and that there is no escaping from that.

I will always love you but I will always love me too. I don’t want people telling me that I am not me anymore. When you left you took a part of me with you. But I am going to pick up whatever the pieces left of me and try and put it together. I realise now that by trying to let you go I was letting go of me too.

So instead of staying at home now I go out with my friends. Drink, dance, laugh and have fun. But you’re always with me. Last night at Negambo you were with me. I even had conversations with you in my head. I got a bit drunk and so did you. And when I was dancing, I was dancing with you. Of course there are moments when reality hits. Like when our song started playing and I just stood still on the dance floor because my heart hurt too much and I couldn’t move. Or like when I got home and I really wanted to just say good night that I actually called you knowing very well you won’t pick up. But no one needs to know that. And for the most part everyone thinks I am fine. So it works.

I have realised that everything I do will be based on what you would have had to say about it. Again, no one needs to know that. So people think I am fine. Like when Tha asked me to drive his vehicle and drop Sami at the rowing club I said okay. Because I know how proud you would be of me. I know it’s automatic but it’s a freaking Montero Sport! I know you think it’s hot when a girl can drive a big vehicle. So I did it. The whole while thinking “He is going to be super happy and proud!” Silly I know. Because you probably don’t care, but it’s the only way that I can keep going.

Last week my specs broke and I had to get a new pair. So I bought one with a big black frame because you had told me you want me to buy a pair like that. And you’re probably right because a lot of people say I look good in them. But no one knows what made me really buy it.

No. There is no getting over you. So I am living life with you in it. You no longer come in waves. You’re a constant on my mind. I will keep loving you for the rest of my life whether you are a part of it or not. I will keep living as I would have, had you been with me. Everything I do will be based on how you would feel about it. 

But no one needs to know this. It will be my secret. I don’t think anyone would understand. As far as everyone else goes, when they see me breaking down every once in a while is the only time you’re on my mind. So it works. Because I don't want pity, what I want is YOU! And no one but you can give me that. 

Saturday, 22 August 2015

How Are You?

Wasn't that what you asked?
I am okay...
Wasn't that what I said?
Truth be told
I really don't know..
I can't stop thinking about you.
I don't know what's going on with me;
But I want to know what's going on with you!
Does that answer your question?

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

When I Say I Miss You

When I say I miss you, what I mean is that everything reminds me of you.

Trees. Coffee. Cars. Water. Dogs. Books. Kites. Cushions. Socks. Rain. Food. Construction sites. Children. Everything has a connection to you. The way you would feel about this, how you would look in that, what you would say to them, when we bought that, when we made this. You are everywhere. As if my mind was not consumed enough by you, your essence is everywhere outside of me too.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I wonder.

I wonder what moments would have been like had you been here. If we had been our best. With space to love each other. What you would say to me in a certain situation. How you would make a lame joke about something. How we would have shared a knowing smile in front of strangers. Or perhaps a kiss and then a look, want in both eyes, promises on our lips. A giggle or a laugh. I wonder how you would affect my world if you were in it again.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I talk to you—often.

The space between my eyes and the wall becomes filled with you. I talk as I wish I had, as I plan to do again. I sometimes write to you too.  I tell you how my day went and I tell you what exactly I am feeling in the space between my eyes and the wall.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I imagine you.

I imagine what you’re doing and try to work out where you’ll be. Perhaps you went out tonight. Perhaps you met friends. Did you talk about me? Did you miss me? Or maybe you stayed in. I try to think of you in your best self. Happy, content, loving and spreading your happiness. And I hope you are all those things. I see your eyes. And they smile at me. Your hands brush mine. Our lips quiver as our jaws reach for the other. I imagine you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I stare.

I catch myself after a minute or two and am never quite sure what I was thinking about. But I know it was you. Maybe it wasn’t even a thought. Just a feeling. The ideal. Just swaying with your rhythm.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I cry.

Most often I don’t. I don’t let myself. And then every now again, it crashes through and over my defences. A song. A comment from someone. A movie. A long shower. A quote I read. And I’m a messy ball of regret and need. But then I feel better. As though I’ve honoured a part of myself. And a part of you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I cannot forget.

Every morning I cannot forget the call you’d give on your way to work. The random jokes. The call before I fall asleep. The good morning and good night. Kangkang booru and every other game. Sexaland, The NuT team, The balu sangamaya and every other thing you made up. Your smile. What it made me feel. Your hug. The feeling of being safe in your arms. The trips and the amazing times we had.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I think.

Like, really think. I think about the ways in which I need to change. They are a constant in my mind. Inescapable and important. Long, long thinkings distracted by songs and readings and writing and friends and dancing and laughing. And I’m grateful to you. For without your presence, I would never have seen what my own flaws could cost me if I don’t fight it and ultimately grow up.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I look forward.

I look forward to talking to you again. Our first meeting. Our first touch. Our first kiss. Our first night. Silly, I know, and full of expectation but I do it anyway. And boy are you wonderful! And boy so am I! I look forward to your eyes seeing mine and seeing clarity again. Clear, easy love with none of the baggage. I look forward to us not caring about the negative, harmful things we cared so much about. And I look forward to being able to love you, just as you are, with all of me. No hiding, no denying, no judgement, no fear. And for you to do the same. I look forward to us.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I remember. 

I remember moments that I had since filed away as mundane or unimportant. Like watching you cook in the kitchen, or laughing about how I am the one who has to wake up first because I take a longer time in the shower. Like your t shirts, that you really loved, with a Disney character in a sexy pose, or times we went for a jog and I’m so unfit that I’ll tag behind but always watch you jog from a far. The many times you have brought me food or sent me flowers. I remember all the things I had forgotten to make it easier to blame you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I regret.

I regret like poison running through my veins. Regret that we both carried attachments we should have shed before meeting, regret hiding it from you and not being honest about it. Regret hurting you. Regret breaking your trust, breaking your heart and breaking you in general. Regret that I couldn’t gain the trust back. Regret arguing with over insignificant things. Regret not learning to cook while I was with you or learning to drive manual. Regret being insecure and clingy. Regret for the way you didn’t see me. I regret the inability to shed the thoughts you had of me. The distance they created and how blind they made you. I regret time wasted and unappreciated. Regret taking you for granted and assuming you’ll always be there. Regret not being able to make you realise that what we had meant so much more than anything that happened. Regret that I couldn’t make you realise that what we had was worth it; and not giving you enough space when you needed. That, I regret most of all.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I resolve.

I resolve to change my life. From the inside out. Heart forward. I resolve to find me and love me. To know that I am good enough, that I have not lost out, that I am wonderful and that the integrity and honour and magic I so desperately seek has been within me all along. I resolve to fix the broken parts and accept the ugly parts. I resolve to discover what holds me back and love it until it holds me back no more. I resolve to meet you again and be happy, with a clear mind, loving eyes and open heart. I resolve to be me again.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, that all these words do very little to justify or give credence to the small, quiet feeling inside of me. The feeling that radiates a longing and a knowing. A longing for happiness and a knowing of its possibility. A longing for you and a knowing of the deepest feelings I have for you. A longing for our future and a knowing that we can have it. All of it.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I’ve lit a candle, am listening to beautiful music and am pouring my love for you through the ether.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, can you feel it? 

When I say I miss you, what I mean is…

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Back in Colombo

Do you know how hard it was? To wake up in the morning and cry because there is no one to say good morning to and because you won't be calling on your way to work. To finish work early and start crying again because you realise that the only reason you used to get so excited about finishing work early is because when I get colombo early I get to see you. To travel for 6 or 7 hours with nothing but you to think about. To call your friend and bawl my eyes out. Do you know how embarassing that is? When your friend is telling me to just start hating you and move on because I'm a mess and that you are already moving on. Do you know how hard it was to pass Nugegoda, your DVD shop and your lane? Do you know my heart litterally started to hurt?

No of coursde not. You don't. And you probably don't care.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Quarter Birthday!

It's your quarter birthday today! Who knows their qurter birthdays? No one but you. Who celebrates their half birthdays? No one but you. Yes you are that immature silly goon who does all that. You are also that funny, happy person who always makes me smile. You said you wanted to celebrate your qarter birthdays as well. And it's silly but I find it cute and even thinking about it makes me smile.

I thought of wishing you for it this morning, but I figured that you probably don't want me to. I mean it's been three days and you have not even dropped a text to see how I am doing. I should probably stay away. So as difficult as this is I am staying away.

But I hope you have a happy quarter birthday! I hope you keep smiling and spreading happiness like you always do. :)

Miss you heaps but love you more!
Have an awesome time.

Monday, 10 August 2015

I miss you

The days are longer
The nights are colder
And I'm miles away from home

No smile on my face
Or silver lining to my greys
Without you all on my own

No one to say I got here
And no good morning text
Or the call before you go to work

When I'm bored here alone
Who will make me smile all day
By telling your really lame jokes

Or when it's cold in the morning
And I am feeling lazy
Where's the motivation to get out of bed

Who will call me in the evening
And ask what I'm feeling
And talk till you go to bed

Even then still keep talking
For few minutes longer
Because you know I'm all alone

No one to say I love you
And send a text good night
Even after you hang up the phone

I do believe
That no matter what
Something good has to happen everyday

But it's hard to find the good
When you used to be
The best part of my day!

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

You are The One

Even as a kid I was never the type to have an ambition but if there was one thing I always wanted to do, it was to have fun and be happy. Then 2 years ago when I turned 25 I had a self-realisation. As much as I had fun throughout my life I was now half way to 50 and I hadn’t seen much of this country let alone the world. There was so much this world had to offer and I haven’t experienced it much at all. From then on came a new goal. Travel, explore, try out new things, and gain new experiences and live life to the fullest while having fun. So from 2 years ago I promised myself I’ll do something every day that was out of my daily routine in order to fulfil this new goal.

Then I met you. And you brought such a lot of fun and activity into my life that you took living life to the fullest to a whole new level. In the past one and half years I honestly had the best time of my life. Be it things like zip lining in ella, hiking to ella rock and little adams peak, building houses for the poor in trinco, a 10 hour bus ride to potuvil, riding a bike around arugambay, skinny dipping in pasikuda, cycling in wil uyana, or climbing pidurangala where the wind blew us off our feet, taking part in a car rally pretending I work at MAS or even taking part in Colombo city romp.  

Not just these, you manage to bring so much more fun to life even on a daily basis. Be it eating a burger and drinking cider watching the stars and sea, flying kites at galle face green, helping me write lists, trying out new restaurants, always ordering something that sounds funny or interesting just to see what it tastes like, chilling by the pool or at the rowing club, sexaland with all its laws and punishments, the 101 games you invent on the spot, all your lame jokes, playing cards or monopoly with your friends, or sitting in your tv room watching new girl and you insisting that she is the perfect girlfriend or watching big bang where I’m laughing saying you’re a bit like Sheldon ; super smart, no emotional intelligence and socially awkward! Not a day went by in which you didn’t manage to put a smile on my face.

One of the most proud moments of my life was being at your CFA graduation. And I did feel special to be invited for your best friend’s wedding and your mom’s 60th birthday! I felt like a queen to have you beside me at my brother’s wedding and I was so happy that you made it for the biggest day of my best friend’s life.

I miss talking to you, telling how my day went, seeing you smile, laughing with you and always having you by my side. I’ll miss you being my happy pill, holding your hand, kissing hugging and making love. More than the sex, I’ll miss the moment after sex, where the world stops and I’m in your arms and I feel safe. Yes, I’ll miss that feeling. But more than anything I will miss being who I was when you were around. I was more me when I was with you than I was alone.

I wish I got to go camping with you, watch you surf and add a word to oxford dictionary together like we always wanted to.

I’m sorry I let you down. We would have made an awesome couple!