Thursday, 13 February 2020

P. S. I LOVE YOU


To my darling Doobie,

Since Valentine’s Day is all about celebrating love I thought I will take time to try to let you how much I love you and what I truly mean when I say ‘I love you’. When I say those three words, eight letters and one sentence; listen carefully because I am telling you what I truly feel and it’s just one of those beautiful truths that I want you to know deep in your heart.

I love you; and not a day goes by that I don’t tell you. But the silent poetry that throbs in my chest cannot be uttered in three little words—or 3,000 for that matter. Whenever I try to describe the way I feel for you, every word seems trite and hollow; the whole English language insufficient. Maybe if I write it, raw and uncut. If I pour myself out, and breathe passion fire into these words and make them live, they might come into your heart and dance. Maybe when you read this it will take you there—to where the wild drums are beating, where pain and bliss both run together.

When I say “I love you,” what I really mean is that I want you.

From the very first time your fingers touched mine, I have longed for you—for your touch, your embrace, your taste on my lips. And nothing feels more perfect than when you are inside me. You turn me on. It’s undeniable. It’s chemical. It’s electric.
When I say “I love you,” I really mean is that you’re cute.
You’re handsome when you’re all suited up in coat and tie and all your finery, and even more so in your sarong or your shorts and T shirt. You’re super cute with that dorky smile and giving me those looks when you’re not even trying, when you let go and just be carelessly, naturally you, it takes my breath away—like a sunset reflected in still water, or a starry night so clear you can see the Milky Way poured out across the sky.

When I say “I love you,” I mean all of you, just as you are.

I love your silliness and your playfulness, how easily we can laugh at ourselves and at life. I love your courage, your strength. I love your jealousy and insecurity. I love your (sometimes painful) honesty. I love how you lose your temper and shout at me and get it out of your system then and there, rather than drag it out. I love how you fight hard but not long. I love how you don’t carry forward our fights. I love how you really walk your talk and take responsibility for your own actions. I love your willingness to accept your mistakes and shortcomings and grow. I love your imperfections, flaws and frailties all of which makes you this magical human. I love you for all the thoughtful gestures, for the small acts of kindness and for the passion you have in loving me. I love you because you aren’t a fantasy, a dream and an illusion but a reality.  I love who you are, deep down—the timeless innocence I see in your eyes. Underneath everything you say and do I see a pure and selfless intent, a kind and compassionate soul.

When I say “I love you” what I really mean is that I care for you.

There is not a single decision I take without thinking of you and how it will impact you. Be it your feelings, time, health, wealth, safety or anything that may affect you. There is no one else I care more deeply about. It is the reason why I don’t like you smoking and the reason I add eggs to my Kadala in the mornings. I could go on but I think you get my point.

When I say “I love you” what I really means is that you are my happiness.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. And similarly it kills me to see you upset. Each day I manage to put a smile on your face is a successful day for me. And no matter what a shitty day I have had, it just takes one hug from you to make me feel better. Even on my darkest days when I feel like the world is closing in on me, knowing that, if all else fails you’ll be there to put your arms around me is a feeling I cannot express in words. You make me the happiest person by just being there and spending time with me. I love you for bringing out the best in me and for making my life a beautiful one worth living and for making my heart swell with happiness.

When I say “I love you” what I really means is that I’m myself the most with you.

I have told you a countless number of times that the level of comfort I feel when I’m with you is something I have never experienced before. I am myself the most when you’re around. And knowing that I can be who I really am, and be loved and understood for being me, is the best feeling on earth. You bring out the best in me. There is no better feeling than being with you. It feels so good and it most certainly feels like home. The most safest place for me in this world is in your arms. I hope you know that. I love you for giving me a piece of heaven here on earth and for finding comfort in you.

When I say ‘I love you’, it means that I treasure your heart.

It means that I value you. I trust you. I respect you. I admire you. I adore you. And it means that I see a future with you. It means that I trust you with my whole soul. It means that you being happy, makes me happy. And it means that I would never ever want to do anything to hurt you. So, when I say, ‘I love you’, please do not take it lightly. For me, the word ‘love’ holds weight. To me, ‘I love you’, means that I see my universe pointed in your direction. It means that I recognize how lucky I am to have you.

When I say “I love you,” I mean that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for every time I take you for granted. I’m sorry for every time I’m not understanding and lose my temper. I’m sorry for fighting with you over silly things. I’m sorry for every time I hurt you or made you feel like shit. I never ever meant to.  I’m sorry for every time I fall short of being the girlfriend you deserve.

When I say “I love you,” I mean that I love this dance of loving each other.

I love how it constantly calls me to go deeper, to face my fears and grow. I love sharing life with you—the triumphs and the failures, the laughter and the painful silence and even the tears.

When I say “I love you,” what I mean is thank you.

Thank you for tolerating me when I’m the least tolerable person and thank you for loving me at my worst. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and not leaving me. Thank you for understanding my childlike behaviour and not ridiculing me for it. Thank you for making me the happiest. Thank you for making me feel important and for giving my life a purpose. My life is better with you in it. I’m a better person because of you. I don’t think I thank you enough for being mine and choosing me to be your life partner. Not day goes by that I am not grateful to have you. So Thank You!

When I say ‘’I love you’ what I mean is that I miss you.

I miss you when you’re not around. Be it at 2 in the morning when I’m lying in my bed lost in thought and you’re not there for me to hug and sleep; or at 2 in the afternoon right in the middle of a laugh while I’m having lunch with friends. Yes. It doesn’t matter what time or where, if you’re not there - I miss you.

When I say “I love you,” what I mean is that I will be there.

I want to be the one you turn to when you’re hurting. I want to be the one who listens. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to take care of you. I want to give you something to stand and rely on in this crazy, constantly changing world. I will be there. Come what may I will always be by your side, supporting you and cheering you on from the side lines.

And when I say “I love you”, it means that I always will.

When I say, ‘I love you’ it means that no matter what, waking up to you would be my idea of the perfect morning. It means that no matter what, sleeping next to you would be my idea of a perfect night. It means that I want to keep waking up to you, each and every morning and each and every transition from 30 to 90. When I say, ‘I love you’ it means that I can picture what a future looks like with you. And it means that I want one. With only you.

When I say “I love you”, I mean it.

I’m not saying it just to make you happy. I’m not saying it to be romantic. I’m not saying it because I feel like I have to, or because I feel like there’s a deadline I have to reach. ‘I love you’ means that I want to spend hours talking with you at midnight. It means that I want to grow old with you and still call you perfect even when your wrinkles start to show. It means that I’m your biggest fan and always will be. It means that even if we end, my love won’t dim. My love for you will never end.

When I say “I love you” what I means I want to share my life with you.

I want you to be my partner in adventure and travel. I want to make a home and a family with you. I want you to be my partner, my lover, my person—the yin to my yang. I want to wake up next to you in the morning. I want you beside me when I close my eyes at night. In a universe of infinite possibilities, on a planet of seven billion human beings, I want you.

Doobz, the next time I put my arms around you and pull you close, kiss your sweet lips, look deep into your eyes and say “I love you,” this is what I really mean: Here I am—body and soul, sinner and saint, warrior and fool, all of my love and all of my baggage—all of me. Here I am, with open arms. I see you— son, brother, friend, boss, colleague, lover, the light and the darkness, the goddess and the scared little boy—all of you. I want you, all of you, you and only you, just as you are. I have a place here in my heart for you. Always will.

When I say I love you, this is what I want you to feel. I love you. And I hope not a single moment goes by that you’re not reminded of it.

I love you beyond measure. A love that goes deeper than the abyss of the ocean. It rises higher than the tallest mountain and it stretches beyond the farthest sea. That goes beyond the limit, over the horizon to the deepest pit. That goes high as the blue sky above that reaches to the burning rays of the golden sun. I love you to the black hole and beyond.

I love you. There are no rules. No ifs. No buts. No whys. Just love. A love that grows, that never hurts, not difficult and not hard. A love that exists. And that’s what I mean when I say, ‘I love you.’

I love you Doobie!

With much love,

Tash